Basic Description:
Zinyak may be dead, but that doesn't mean he's the only one who can trap the Saints in bizarrely themed nightmares.
Quick Points:
The Main Simulation used for this Game is loosely based on the Saints Row District from Saints Row 1, but with hints of other districts mixed in for mission objective purposes.
Though they are the Steelport Models, this Saints Row Simulation contains 1 Rim Jobs, 1 Rusty's Needle, 1 Friendly Fire, 1 Image As Designed, 1 Planet Saints, & the usual Leather & Lace, Let's Pretend, & Nobody Loves Me.
City Takeover in Virtual Saints Row works pretty much the same as it did in SRTT & SRIV.
The Saints Ship is fully accessible with all the Homies at their stations, including Viola, Dex , Donnie, Lin, & Zombie WR this time (but all are in their normal outfits, instead of the Jumpsuits).
The Stasis Pods in the Cargo Bay give access to Virtual Saints Row & Virtual Misty Lane. The Simulation Machines in the Central Console Room give access to Virtual Steelport.
The only remnants of Virtual Steelport in this game are Sunset Park, & Loren Square, so all bridges leading off the island are raised or destroyed. Henry Steel Mills, the Guard Armory, Magarac Island, and the other 3 Main Islands are all replaced with 2D backdrops that are beyond the world barriers. This Simulation is also fully accessible, and if any Homies are called up in this Simulation, they will appear in their Normal outfits, instead of their Saintsmas outfits.
As this Steelport is smaller than the original, this Simulation only contains 1 Rim Jobs, 1 Rusty's Needle, 1 Friendly Fire, 1 Image As Designed, 2 Planet Zins, and 2 Gateways.
Unlike the original Virtual Steelport, Saints HQ is fully intact, and is the only Crib in Virtual Steelport, as Gateways are now only used to return to the Ship.
There is no City Takeover in Virtual Steelport this time. Virtual Steelport only exists for continuity purposes (Eg. using The Broken Shillelagh to travel to other Simulations). Even though this is a standalone game, it is meant to feel as though it follows the rules set in SRIV.
Kris as a Homie, has her voice lines muffled, wields a Whip as her weapon of choice, and will not switch weapons. Kinzie as a Homie, does not have her voice lines muffled, wields the same weapon she did in SRIV, but can switch weapons.
Flow as a Homie, can only get in the back of a Criminal, and can't wield any weapons. Pierce as a Homie, can have a normal seat in any vehicle, wields the same weapon he did in SRIV, but can switch weapons.
Loa as a Homie, can't wield any weapons, she can only punch and kick with her hooves. Shaundi as a Homie, wields the same weapon she did in SRIV, but can switch weapons.
Sainta as a Homie, wields the North Pole as his weapon of choice, but will not switch weapons. Gat as a Homie, wields a Minigun as his weapon of choice, but still will not switch weapons.
Though Heli Assault is used as part of the Main Story, it is still a set of Activities, but is not the only set in Saints Row, there is also: Mayhem, Escort, Insurance Fraud, Snatch, & Trail Blazing.
Tank Mayhem is playable in Steelport, but only for Cash, no XP. The more damage you do, the more cash you earn.
Vehicles in both Saints Row and Steelport, include Land, & Air, but not Sea. The Summer DLC adds the Sea vehicles to both Saints Row and Steelport.
Though they are the Steelport Models, the Misty Lane Simulation contains 1 Rim Jobs, 1 Rusty's Needle, 1 Friendly Fire, 1 Image As Designed, & 1 Planet Saints.
City Takeover in Virtual Misty Lane works pretty much the same as it did in SRTT & SRIV.
There are no superpowers in this game.
Full Mission Replay for all Missions, not just DLC.
Simulations:
Saintsmas Saints Row
Virtual Steelport
Homies & Skins:
Kinzie - Saintsmas Saints Row: Kristine Kinkle - Steelport: Ex-FBI
Viola - Saintsmas Saints Row: Sexy Sainta - Steelport: Morningstar Leader
Pierce - Saintsmas Saints Row: Frosty The Flowman - Steelport: Celebrity
Asha - Saintsmas Saints Row: Sexy Sainta - Steelport: MI6 Jumpsuit
Shaundi - Saintsmas Saints Row: Loa Dust The Red Bulbed Reindeer - Steelport: Celebrity
Matt - Saintsmas Saints Row: Sainta Suit - Steelport: Deckers Leader
CID - Saintsmas Saints Row: Sainta Hat - Steelport: C.I.D.
King - Saintsmas Saints Row: Sainta Suit - Steelport: Chief Of Staff
Keith - Saintsmas Saints Row: Sainta Suit - Steelport: Vice President
Gat - Saintsmas Saints Row: Sainta Claus - Steelport: Celebrity
VC - Saintsmas Saints Row: Sainta Hat - Steelport: Sons Of Samedi Lieutenant
Dex - Saintsmas Saints Row: 3rd Street Saints - Steelport: Ultor Casual
Vehicles:
All from SRTT, SRIV, & all DLCs
Pony Sleigh
Gang Customization:
All from SRTT, SRIV, & all DLCs
Flowmen
Reindeer Strippers
Saintsmas Elves
Cribs:
Saints HQ - Steelport
Playa's Apartment - Saintsmas Saints Row
3rd Street Church - Saintsmas Saints Row
Sweet Dreams:
Phone Call:
Kinzie: Are you done playing around in Virtual Steelport yet?
Boss: Yeah, I guess so. I thought it would be a lot more fun than this, but Steelport is kinda lame... I miss Stilwater.
Kinzie: (Sigh) Fine. I guess I can use my spare time to build a replica of Stilwater to give you a little more choice for playing around in virtual reality.
Boss: Thanks, I'd like that.
Kinzie: Now get out of there. We all need to go into Stasis until the ship locates a planet with a breathable atmosphere.
Boss: Ok, I'm on my way.
- Return to the Ship
Cutscene:
Kinzie has set up a bank of Stasis Pods in the Cargo Bay. Boss enters the Cargo Bay, and joins the others as they all enter their own Pod and say goodnight to each other.
Just as the last Pod closes and they all freeze, a silhouette is seen stepping up to the main console.
Familiar Voice: And just when you thought you'd finally won... Sweet Dreams... Playa.
Gameplay:
Boss wakes up in a Dumpster behind Freckle Bitch's (the word "Bitch" is censored on the sign).
Boss (Disoriented): What the...?
- Climb out of the Dumpster
Boss: I'm wearing a purple Elf Costume? And I'm in Stilwater? Is this a dream? Or was eveything else a dream?
- Leave the alleyway
Boss: (Scoffs) Snow huh? Never saw that in Stilwater before... I should find Kinzie, she'll know what's going on... Assuming Kinzie wasn't just a dream too.
- Search the street for clues
Boss: Is that one of Safeword's Pony Carts?
- Inspect the Pony Cart (It's essentially the "Sleigh One", but able to have a Homie act as the Reindeer)
Boss: Looks like a Sleigh... I think I might know where to find her.
- Get in a Vehicle
- Go to The Raykins Hotel (It has been remodelled into Sainta's Village, with a big gold Fleur De Lis over the entrance.
Boss: "Sainta's Village"? What the f***?... Oh come on!? Now I can't f***ing swear? Well now I know this is a simulation. I hope I can still use violence.
- Attempt to kick the door open
(Boss does a happy elf dance)
Boss: Oh f*** this. I'm finding Kinzie, then we're getting the h*** out of here.
- Get back in your vehicle
- Drive through the doors
The Doors, entrance, and even the big gold Fleur De Lis are destroyed in the process.
Boss: Surprise motherf***ers! Now gimme back my Kinzie!
Elf: You're not Sainta! Only he can order a prisoner's release!
Boss: Then I guess I'm doing this old school.
- Run over all the Elves in the lobby
Intercom Elf: Calling all Elves! Let's all go to the lobby!
- Defend the lobby from 3 waves of Elves
- Exit your vehicle triumphantly
Boss: Keep the snacks... You filthy animals.
- Search the building for Kinzie
Cutscene:
Boss finds the Pony Barn, where Kinzie is chained up to a Pony Sleigh, wearing the "Kristine Kinkle" outfit, complete with Saintsmas Bauble Gag.
Boss (Amused): Oh, you are never living this down.
Kris: (Angry grunt)
Elf: Hey, I think they went this way!
Boss: Does this thing fly?
Kris nods.
Boss: Good enough, let's go.
Boss gets into the Sleigh.
Gameplay:
- Fly away from Sainta's Village
Boss: They're coming after us! Does this thing have any weapons?
Kris (Muffled): Try the Present Cannon and Coal Gun.
- Take out the other Sleighs
Boss: We gotta go to a safe zone, and since this looks like Saints Row before Ultor claimed it, that means we go to the Church.
- Fly to the 3rd Street Church
Cutscene:
The Sleigh is parked in the Graveyard to the side of the Church. Boss and Kris enter the Church through the Side Door.
Once inside, they both sit on the sofa and look at each other.
Boss: I don't know how we got in this mess... But it's gonna be fun finding out.
Kris just nods in agreement.
Rewards:
Homie - Kristine Kinkle/Kinzie Kensington
Homie - Viola DeWynter
Vehicle - Pony Sleigh
Crib - Playa's Apartment (Contains Gateway back to the Ship)
There's Snow Place Like Home:
Phone Call:
Familiar Voice: Ok, so you may have rescued one of your friends, but you just got lucky... It won't happen again.
- Return to the Saints Row Simulation (Via The Broken Shillelagh)
Gameplay:
Elf Boss and Kris are stood in Julius's Office in the Church.
Boss: You found Pierce? What about the others?... No, just Pierce... (Sigh) Alright, let's go get him first then.
- Go to Playa's Apartment (Saints Row Loft)
- Use the Homie Detector to locate Pierce (In the Cul-de-sac from "Round Peg Square Hole")
Boss: It's some kind of Snowman cult or something.
Flow: Hey Boss! You gotta watch out! They're all fuelled up on Saints Flow!
Boss: Of course they are.
- Attempt to fight the Flowmen
Boss: I'm still just dancing. How do I defeat these guys?
Kris (Muffled): I got it! Just keep them distracted for a sec.
Kris runs back to Playa's Apartment.
- Keep dancing until Kris returns
Kris returns and hands Boss a Flamethrower.
Boss: And this is why I love you, Kinzie... I mean, "Kristine".
- Melt all the Flowmen
Cutscene:
Melting Flowman: I'm melting! Oh, what a world!
His hand is the last thing to melt, it maintains itself just long enough to give Boss "the finger" before completely melting away.
Boss: And that's that.
As Boss says that, behind them, Flow starts rising from the pile of snow, encased in a snow frame that resembles a Warden.
Flow: Uh Boss... You may want to turn around.
Boss and Kris turn around to see Frosty The Flowman in full form.
Boss: That's... Not good.
Frosty: (Roars)
Scripted Gameplay:
Boss: Uh, this Flamethrower's not gonna do it this time... What do we do?
Kris (Muffled): I don't know.
Boss (Sarcastic): Thanks for the help. Pierce, if you're still in there, take control!
Frosty: The Flow is gone, only Frosty remains!
- Run and avoid getting hit
They pass a car that has the radio playing.
Frosty stops and begins to dance.
Boss: Of course. Pierce loves to dance. If we can get a big enough speaker, it should nullify Frosty and allow Pierce to take over.
Frosty crushes the car then continues his rampage.
Kris (Muffled): Lead him to Scratch That!
Boss: Ok.
- Lead Frosty to Scratch That
Gameplay:
As soon as Frosty gets close to the store, he begins to dance, but still tries to attack the store.
Veteran Child: If he tries to attack the store, just use the Flamethrower to stop him!
Boss: Got it!
- Use the Flamethrower to stop Frosty from attacking Scratch That
Flow: Hey, it worked! I'm in control again... And this is one h*** of cool snow suit.
Boss: Glad to have you back... "Flow".
Rewards:
Homie - Frosty The Flowman/Pierce Washington
Homie - Asha Odekar
Gang Customization - Flowmen
All I Want For Saintsmas:
Phone Call:
Familiar Voice: Oh, you think you're winning, don't you? Well guess again.
- Return to the Saints Row Simulation (Via The Broken Shillelagh)
Gameplay:
Elf Boss, Kris, and Flow are all in Dex's Office in the Church. There's a 3D model of the interior of Sainta's Stable on the desk.
Flow: So it looks like the Elves opened up a strip club in Athos Bay, by renovating the old Carnales Storefront. They got security posted on the main entrance, and the rear exit. But if you land on the rooftop, you can sneak in through the vents. To make sure it goes down smooth, I'll cause a distraction out front so you two can get inside and rescue Shaundi without any...
Boss: I think you know I'm just gonna go in through the front entrance, guns blazing.
Flow: Oh really? Why don't you give me a demonstration right now?
- Pick up a rifle and fire it
Only glitter sprays out from the gun.
Boss: Oh right...
Flow: So then, back to the plan...
Gameplay following Option A: Flow's Plan
- Go to the Pony Sleigh in the Graveyard
- Fly to the rooftop of Sainta's Stable
- Wait for Flow's Distraction
- Sneak inside through the vents
- Sneak into the back room to rescue Shaundi
Gameplay following Option B: F*** It!
- Ignore Flow
- Drive to Sainta's Stable
- Enter through the main entrance
- Use "Killer" Dance Moves to take out the Elves
- Get to the back room to rescue Shaundi
Cutscene:
Boss and Kris enter the back room to see Loa being held hostage by one of the Elves.
Loa: It's about time you showed up.
Boss (Sarcastic): Nice costume, mind if I "ride" you home?
Loa (Sarcastic): Very funny.
Boss: I know what I want for Saintsmas.
Loa: Can you just rescue me already?
Boss: What, you actually want my help this time?
Loa: I'd have done it myself, but my hands are trapped inside these hooves.
Boss: Oh "Deer".
Loa: Shut up.
Boss: And those hooves on your feet don't look very "Stable" either.
Loa: (Sigh) I hate you.
Elf: Enough talking! We're going for a ride.
The Elf takes Loa with him as he escapes.
Boss: I got dibs on the next ride.
Kris shakes her head.
Gameplay:
- Meet Flow outside
Flow: What happened?
Boss: An Elf took off with her. We gotta follow them.
Flow: You two go ahead, I'm gonna check on the other "reindeer".
Boss: Of course you are.
- Catch up to the Elf & Loa
- Stop their vehicle without destroying it
They both get out of the vehicle.
Elf: Ok, you want your reindeer back, then defeat me in a dance-off.
Loa: I have a name you know, and I'm not an actual reindeer.
Boss: You got it.
The Elf busts a few moves and tries to look impressive.
- Use "Killer" Dance Moves to take out the Elf
Elf (Dying): Ugh, I see the light... And it's blue?... What the f*** does that mean!?
Loa: Glad that's over. Can someone help me outta this costume?
Boss: I think we're stuck like this until we beat the simulation.
Loa (Sarcastic): Great. Just what I need. No hands and very little balance... F***ing beautiful.
Rewards:
Homie - Loa Dust, The Red Bulbed Reindeer/ Shaundi
Homie - Matt Miller
Gang Customization - Reindeer Strippers
Saintsmas Heli Assault: 3 Levels
Gameplay:
Boss is flying the Pony Sleigh with Kris and Loa as the Ponies.
Flow is in a Saintsmas Criminal (with Flowman driver)
- Protect Flow from Elves while he delivers Saints Flow to the citizens of Saints Row
- Defend Flow while he rescues a Homie (Final Stop of each Level)
Rewards:
Level 1:
Homie - CID
Level 2:
Homie - Benjamin King
Level 3:
Homie - Keith David
And A Fluer De Lis On A Pine Tree:
Phone Call:
Familiar Voice: And so, it all comes down to this... I hope you're ready.
- Return to the Saints Row Simulation (Via The Broken Shillelagh)
Cutscene:
Elf Boss, Kris, Flow, and Loa are all in Gat's Office, preparing themselves for the final Boss Battle.
Boss: Ok, so all we have left to do is... Take out the final Boss and disable this Simulation... Any idea where to start?
Kris attempts to explain what to do, but no one understands her.
Loa: Can't you take that thing off?
Boss: We've tried, it's held on by some kind of magic spell or something.
Loa: It's called "code".
Boss: Right.
Flow: What if we...
Boss: If this involves more sneaking and tactics, I don't wanna hear it. I'm sick of this simulation's prohibitions on violence. If we can find a way to cheat the system and give them a real fight, then I wanna give them all we got.
Loa: Well, there's the weapons on the Sleigh, and the Flamethrower seems to work on certain enemies and objects... So we've just got to hope the boss fight involves a lot of snow and gift giving.
Boss: Well... It's a start.
Flow: Where are we gonna find this boss fight?
Loa: Well, the theme of "Saintsmas" suggests that it's gonna be in the most festive location possible...
Boss: When I first woke up here, there was a big "festive" pine tree in the centre of the park near Freckle B****'s.
Flow: That sounds like the perfect spot for a boss battle to me.
Loa: But... Who's the boss?
Kris (Muffled): I'll give you a hint, we're in his office right now.
Boss: You're right Kris... We could use Gat's help right now.
Kris facepalms herself.
Boss: Alright, enough talk, it's our time now, let's get this s*** started.
Flow: That censorship was so uncool right there.
Gameplay:
- Go to the Sleigh in the Graveyard
Flow: I'll meet you guys there. Don't start the party without me.
Loa: Then you'd better hurry.
- Fly to the Saintsmas Tree (reskinned Hotspot)
- Land and walk up to the Tree
Scripted Gameplay:
The 4 of them walk towards the tree, but just as they get close enough, a giant mechsuit (reskin of Zinyak's mechsuit) lands between them and the tree, knocking them back into Freckle Bitch's seating area.
Boss: What the f*** what that!?
Loa: Uh... Looks like we found Sainta.
The Mech is revealed to be a giant Sainta Claus mech.
Flow: Who's in that thing?
Sainta (Intimiadting): Ho, ho, ho. Merry Saintsmas.
Boss/Loa/Flow: Johnny!?
Kris (Muffled): Told you.
Gameplay:
Boss: I'm not attacking Johnny. We have to find another way to defeat him.
Flow: Oh, so now you want sneaking and tactics?
Loa: You two keep Sainta occupied, Kris and I will get in the Sleigh and fly around to see if there's anything we can use.
Boss: On it.
- Keep Sainta distracted, so he doesn't attack Loa's Sleigh
Flow: Hey, you two find anything yet?
Loa: It looks like that tree is in the exact centre of this Simulation... If we can find a way to disable the Tree, then we should gain control of the Simulation, and hopefully loosen Sainta's hold over Gat's mind.
Boss: Oh, I get it! It's a Hotspot!
- Disable the Hotspot in the normal way
Loa: Wait, don't...!
The Tree electrifies Boss and sends them flying into the Dumpster behind Freckle Bitch's.
Boss wakes up in the Dumpster behind Freckle Bitch's (the word "Bitch" is no longer censored on the sign).
Boss (Disoriented): What the...?
- Climb out of the Dumpster
Boss: I'm wearing a purple Elf Costume? And I'm in Stilwater? Is this a dream? Or was eveything else a dream?
- Leave the alleyway
Boss: Wait... This isn't right... Did I just dream all of that?
- Search the street for clues
Boss: Is that one of Safeword's Pony Carts?
- Inspect the Pony Cart
Veteran Child suddenly appears behind Boss.
VC: Ah, there you are.
Boss: Veteran Child?
VC: Yeah, Kinzie thought this might end up happening, so she left me loose in the Simulation.
Boss: Wait, then all of that was real!?
VC: Yeah, and when you struck that Hotspot, you reset the Simulation.
Boss: So I have to do all that shit again... Wait... "Shit"... "Ass"... Holy fuck, I can swear now!?
VC: Yeah, you may have reset the Simulation, but you definitely bugged out a few "prohibitions" that were set. I think you disabled the violence suppressor too. Now follow me, I have a shortcut back to the Boss Fight.
Boss: Hold on, I think I know how to disable the tree, but we need to stay in this part of the simulation to get what I need.
VC: Ok, let's go there first then.
- Go to Sainta's Village
VC: We don't have time for a pony ride.
Boss: Look above the entrance.
VC: A big gold Fleur De Lis... So what?
Boss: Just help me get it on the roof of the car.
VC: Ok, but it's gonna make the way back to the Boss Fight a lot slower.
- Join VC under the Fleur De Lis
Cut to Boss and VC back in the car, with the Fleur De Lis on the roof.
Boss: So, how do we get back?
VC: Drive at 88 miles per hour.
Boss: You're fucking with me... Right?
VC: I said it would make the way back a lot slower.
Boss: (Sigh) Fuck me.
- Get the car up to 88 miles per hour
The car de-spawns, then respawns in the same location, but during the Boss Fight.
Boss: Ok, now let's just get back to Sainta and finish this.
VC: Alright.
- Regroup with Loa and Kris inside Freckle Bitch's
Boss: I'm back guys!
Loa: Where the fuck have you been?
Boss: Long story, but I've got what we need to end this fight. Where's the Sleigh?
Loa (Embarrassed): Uh... Kris crashed it.
Boss: I thought you were the pilot?
Loa: Yeah well, I have hooves for hands, so fuck you.
Boss: Great, now how do we get that giant gold Fleur De Lis on top of the tree?
VC: All you'd need is one big ass ramp...
Loa: The unfinished Freeway!
Boss: Good idea, lets go.
- Leave Freckle Bitch's
Flow: Where the hell are you guys going?
Loa: Just keep him distracted, we've got a plan.
Flow: Why do I always have to be the bait?
- Get in the car
VC: Looks like the Elves are back.
Boss: Not for long.
- Run over the Elves on the way to the Freeway On-Ramp
- Get on the Freeway
- Build up speed to ramp off towards the Tree
Boss: Ok, hold on to you're hooves, Loa!
Loa (Sarcastic): Ha ha!
Cutscene:
(In slow-motion) As the car passes over the tree, Kris and VC climb onto the roof and make sure they place the Fleur De Lis perfectly on top of the tree. In the process, they are left hanging from the Fluer as the car passes.
(In normal speed) The car luckily passes Sainta but has a bumpy landing and rolls into Freckle Bitch's seating area. Kris and VC swing and drop their way down the branches until they reach the ground. Gat wakes up and teleports out of the Mech Suit, but is still dressed as Sainta Claus. The three of them rush over to Freckle Bitch's, where Flow has already began helping Boss out of the car.
Flow: You ok, Boss?
Boss: Yeah, I'm fine.
Loa crawls out of the car by herself.
Loa (Sarcastic): Yeah, I'm fine too, by the way.
The Fleur De Lis activates, and the Simulation begins to transform into a summer version of Saints Row, and the Saints outfits return to normal.
Kinzie: Finally, I can close my jaw.
Shaundi: And I can use my hands.
Familiar Voice: Not so fast!
The Saints all turn and see Dex stood beside the Mechsuit.
Gat: Dex.
Boss: Of course.
Dex: This is my world, and only I say when you've had enough.
Gat: I'm getting real sick of your voice, Dex.
Boss: Tell me about it.
Dex: Well, you wanna shut me up?
Dex teleports into the Mechsuit, then grabs the Fleur De Lis and breaks it, reverting the Simulation and the Saints outfits back to their Saintsmas outfits.
Kris (Muffled)/Loa: Fuck me.
Dex: Then why don't you make me?
Gameplay:
- Defeat Dex
Cutscene:
The Mechsuit lies in ruins on the ground. Dex teleports out of it and drops to his knees in pain. The Saints surround him, looking intimidating.
Sainta: You really fucked up this time Dex.
Dex: Oh yeah, this is just a Simulation. The real me is...
Loa (Smug): Is where, Dex? Aboard the ship... Aboard OUR ship?
Dex: (Nervous choke)
Sainta: That's fun, we can beat him up in here for a few years, then when the ship finds a planet, we can wake up and beat him up in reality too.
Boss: Didn't think that one through, did you Dex?
Dex (Nervous): I can wake up any time I want, I'm not stuck in here like all of you.
Loa: Wrong again asshole, while we were fighting you, Kris here set a few new Simulation protocols of her own.
Dex: Oh shit.
Flow: Welcome to Stasis, Dex... It's gonna be a long trip.
Rewards:
Homie - Sainta Claus/Johnny Gat
Homie - Veteran Child
Homie - Dexter Dex Jackson
Crib - 3rd Street Church (Contains Gateway back to the Ship)
Gang Customization - Saintsmas Elves
Cut Out Again DLC:
Simulations:
Misty Lane
Homies & Skins:
Kinzie - Misty Lane: Ex-Stilwater SWAT
Viola - Misty Lane: Stilwater "Romance Manager"
Pierce - Misty Lane: Stilwater Saints
Asha - Misty Lane: Stilwater SWAT
Shaundi - Misty Lane: Stilwater Saints
Matt - Misty Lane: Stilwater PD
CID - Misty Lane: Football
King - Misty Lane: Vice Kings Leader
Keith - Misty Lane: Julius Little
Gat - Misty Lane: 3rd Street Saints
VC - Misty Lane: Sons Of Samedi Lieutenant
Dex - Misty Lane: 3rd Street Saints
Donnie - Saintsmas Saints Row: Saintsmas Elf - Steelport: Steelport Mechanic - Misty Lane: Westside Rollerz Mechanic
Lin - Saintsmas Saints Row: Sexy Saintsmas Elf - Steelport: 3rd Street Saints - Misty Lane: Westside Rollerz Undercover
Price - Saintsmas Saints Row: Sainta Suit - Steelport/Misty Lane: Westside Rollerz Leader
Sharp - Saintsmas Saints Row: Sainta Hat - Steelport/Misty Lane: Westside Rollerz Leader
Zombie WR
Vehicles:
Pierce's Mag
King's Mag
Julius's Zenith
Gat's Venom
Dex's Raycaster
Donnie's Quasar
Lin's Voxel
Price's Attrazione
Sharp's Justice
Gang Customization:
Westside Rollerz
Cribs:
Price's Mansion - Misty Lane
Afterthought:
Phone Call:
Boss: Any word on Donnie's Whereabouts?
Kinzie: Who?
Boss: You remember, he was in the Rollerz, then the Brotherhood, then he got cut from the series... Then he came back in that cheesy ETD DLC?
Kinzie: Oh... Right...
Boss: Is something wrong?
Kinzie: Well, it's just we've already got me and Matt... So having more than two tech heads on board would be a little redundant.
Boss: You know Shaundi was my tech girl back in Stilwater, maybe I should put her in charge of the ship?
Kinzie: Fine, I'll see if I can find... Oh wait.
Boss: Nice try, now get to it.
Kinzie: No, that's the thing... I thought all the Simulations were designed for one individual... But Donnie's Simulation...
Boss: Lin!?
Kinzie: This can't be possible... I'll need to look further into this.
Boss: Fuck that... I'm getting out of Steelport, then you're getting me into that Simulation... Like right fucking now!
Kinzie: Fine, but this still doesn't feel right.
- Return to the Ship
Cutscene:
Boss, Gat, and Dex get into the Stasis Pods.
Gat: Ya know, as much as I hate you right now, I'm glad to see you care about Lin as much as we do.
Dex: Hey, if I'd have known she was still alive, I never would have turned my back on Julius.
Boss: Enough talk, it's our time now... Let's get this shit started.
They all close their pods as Kinzie and Matt watch with worrying hesitation.
Gameplay:
Boss, Dex, and Gat in their "Misty Lane" outfits find themselves stood in Technically Legal watching strippers on the stage.
Gat: Oh, this takes me back.
Dex: Anyone got change for a 50?
Boss: Focus guys. We're here to rescue Lin... Though I do love those boots.
- Leave Technically Legal
Gat: Ah, the Suburbs...
Dex: This place had a lot more class before you moved in.
Gat: Hey, shut up.
Boss: No time for memory lane, let's get in a car.
Dex: Hey, that looks like Laura's car.
- Get in Laura's Hannibal
Boss: I'm sure she won't mind if I take it for a spin.
- Go to Price's Mansion
Dex: Looks like a welcoming party.
Gat: And it's time for the confetti.
- Kill the Rollerz
- Search the Mansion for Lin
Dex: Donnie? What the hell are you doing here?
Donnie: I've been stuck in this loop for a long time, but no matter what, I just can't rescue her.
Boss: Well that's about to change.
Donnie: Good. Sharp's headed for the Arena District, if he makes it to the Bridge leading out of Misty Lane... The simulation will reset and we'll get stuck in the loop again.
Gat: Then let's go.
- Chase down Sharp
Donnie: No!
Dex: Damn it!
Gat: That fucker got away.
Boss: Hold on... Kinzie, reset the Simulation, but spawn us at Glitz. We'll cut him off before he can escape.
Kinzie: Someone needs to trigger his escape from the Mansion.
Donnie: I'll go... I'd do anything to rescue Lin.
Gat: Good luck man.
Kinzie resets the Simulation. Boss spawns outside Glitz. Dex and Gat have already formed a roadblock at the Bridge.
Dex: We're all set up down here... Just grab a car and help block the road off.
Boss: On it.
- Get in Julius's Zenith
- Park between Gat's Venom and Dex's Raycaster
- Wait until you see Lin's Voxel and Donnie's Quasar
- Shoot the tires on Lin's Voxel
Cutscene:
Lin's Voxel crashes into the roadblock, then Sharp falls out of the driver's seat. He looks up to see Gat and Dex stood over him looking intimidating.
Sharp: Oh no.
Cut to Boss and Donnie prying the trunk open to reveal Zombie Lin hidden inside.
Boss: What!?
Donnie: No, it can't be... She was alive... I heard her screaming for help.
Boss: I knew it was too good to be true.
Gat: Fucking Zinyak and his mind games.
Kinzie: Hold on you big babies... This Zombie isn't the real Lin. It's just a Westside Roller in Lin's clothes.
Dex: What!?
Kinzie: I did some digging... And it turns out Zinyak abducted Lin right before she died, then replaced her "corpse" with a dead Westside Roller. Then after the Eye For An Eye revival, he retrieved the Zombie and stuck her in Donnie's simulation for the added realism.
Donnie: So then... Where's the real Lin?
Kinzie: Just give me a sec to find out.
Rewards:
Homie - Donnie
Homie - Zombie WR
She Lives:
Phone Call:
Boss: Come on Kinzie... Give me some good news.
Kinzie: Sorry... But Lin is even harder to find than Gat was.
Boss: Then get the whole dream team together. You, Matt, Shaundi, and Donnie.
Kinzie: Donnie's having a panic attack, Matt's playing some stupid mobile game, and Shaundi's mellowing out on some Powdered Zin Crystals.
Boss: And these are the people who helped defeat Zinyak... Makes you think.
Kinzie: Hold on... I think I found her.
Boss: I'm on my way.
- Go to The Broken Shillelagh
Gameplay:
Boss, Gat & Dex are stood outside Friendly Fire in Misty Lane.
Gat: Why are we back in Donnie's nightmare?
Kinzie: It's not. It just so happens that Lin's nightmare uses the same build as Donnie's.
Dex: Can we just rescue Lin already? I'm sick of hanging out with these two.
Boss: (Sarcastic) Love you too, Dex.
Kinzie: Just find the delivery truck... Then the rest will follow.
- find the Delivery Truck
Dex: The Rollerz are here.
Gat: (Sarcastic) So those blue cars ain't an escort service?
Boss: Why did I bring you two along again?
- Protect the Delivery Truck from the Rollerz
Gat: Hey there's one trying to escape.
- Follow the Rollerz Mockingbird
He gets out the car and heads for a parked Attrazione.
- Destroy the Attrazione
Dex: Now what?
Boss: We go to Price's Mansion
- Go to Price's Mansion
Price: if you want to rescue Lin, you have to go through me!
Price is driving the Goliath in laps around the Mansion.
- Blow up the Goliath
- Kill Price
Boss: No more fucking around. Let's get our girl back.
- Enter the mansion
Cutscene:
Boss, Gat, and Dex enter the mansion, split up and search for Lin. Boss finds Lin being held hostage by Sharp in the master bedroom.
Boss: Lin!
Sharp: You can't win, not this time.
Boss: I know.
Boss smugly grins at Sharp. Lin then stamps on his foot and elbows him in the face.
She regroups with the Boss, but Sharp teleport away.
Boss: Let's get out of here.
Lin: Not until I kill that asshole.
Boss and Lin run past Gat and Dex on the stairs, then run out the front door.
Gameplay:
- Get in Lin's Voxel
- Keep up with Sharp's Justice until Lin destroys it
Boss: Feel better now?
Lin: Yeah. But I still want to finish off the Rollerz for good.
Boss: You know this is just a simulation, right?
Lin: I don't care. Zinyak made this prison to crush my spirit, so I want to destroy it.
Boss: Kinzie?
Kinzie: I'll set up some Activities and Diversions.
Lin: Thanks.
Rewards:
All Homie Skins
All Gang Customization
All Vehicles
All Cribs
Summer DLC:
Simulations:
Summer Saints Row
Homies & Skins:
Kinzie - Summer Saints Row: Summer Safeword Special
Viola - Summer Saints Row: Morningstar Bikini
Pierce - Summer Saints Row: Sandstorm
Asha - Summer Saints Row: MI6 Bikini
Shaundi - Summer Saints Row: Stiletto The Pony
Matt - Summer Saints Row: Deckers Shorts
CID - Summer Saints Row: Beachball
King - Summer Saints Row: Vice Kings Shorts
Keith - Summer Saints Row: Vice Presidential Shorts
Gat - Summer Saints Row: Gat P.I.
VC - Summer Saints Row: Sons Of Samedi Shorts
Dex - Summer Saints Row: Ultor Shorts
Donnie - Summer Saints Row: Westside Rollerz Shorts
Lin - Summer Saints Row: Westside Rollerz Bikini
Price - Summer Saints Row: Westside Rollerz Speedo
Sharp - Summer Saints Row: Westside Rollerz Shorts
Vehicles:
Shark Variants - Saints, Stilwater PD
Miami Variants - Brotherhood, Ronin, Samedi, Stilwater PD
Convict Variants - Brotherhood
Skipper Variants - Saints
Gang Customization:
Brotherhood Shorts & Bikinis
Ronin Shorts & Bikinis
Sons Of Samedi Shorts & Bikinis
Cribs:
Playa's Apartment - Summer Saints Row
3rd Street Church - Summer Saints Row
Summer Vacation:
Phone Call:
Kinzie: Hey, you done in there yet?
Boss: Just 1 more round of Tank Mayhem.
Kinzie: (Sigh) You can get back to that after I install this update.
Boss: What's it for?
Kinzie: I'm trying to keep it a surpise.
Boss: (Sigh) Fine... I'll head to a Gateway now.
Kinzie: See you soon.
- Return to the Ship
Cutscene:
The Saints once again return to the Cargo Bay and get in their Pods, Dex included.
Gat: You wanna tell us what this is about?
Kinzie: You'll have to wait and see.
They all close their pods, then freeze in Stasis. Cut to Boss, Kinzie, Pierce, Shaundi, Gat, and VC in their Saints Row Summer outfits, walking down the street past Freckle Bitch's. But instead of everything being covered in snow, it's nice and sunny, with all the Saintsmas themed structures being replaced with summer themed structures.
Boss: this should make our trip a lot more relaxing.
Shaundi: Yeah, but did you have to keep me stuck in an animal costume with hooves?
Kinzie (Muffled): It's called "consistency".
Pierce: Hey, I'm not complaining about this costume.
Gat: Me neither.
VC: Hey... Where's Dex?
Everyone looks at each other. Then the Mechsuit lands in front of them again, but reskinned to look like a giant Ice Cream Mech.
Dex: How'd you like your defeat? Chocolate, or vanilla?
All: Here we go again.
Gameplay:
- Defeat Dex
Cutscene:
On the Beach in Saints Row, we pan across from left to right to see the main Saints relaxing on the sand, and at the very end is Dex, who is buried in the sand up to his neck.
Dex: Great, what humiliating thing will happen to me in the next update?
Gat: Shut up.
Gat then covers Dex's head with a bucket.
Rewards:
All Homie Skins
All Gang Customization
All Vehicles
All Cribs
Halloween DLC:
(It's like Saw & The Escape Room)
Simulations:
Haunted Saints Row
Homies & Skins:
Kinzie - Haunted Saints Row: Silent Librarian
Viola - Haunted Saints Row: The Mourningstar Ghost
Pierce - Haunted Saints Row: Hellhound
Asha - Haunted Saints Row: MI666 Demon
Shaundi - Haunted Saints Row: Puzzle Escapee (Saw reference)
Matt - Haunted Saints Row: Virtual Virus
CID - Haunted Saints Row: Eyeball
King - Haunted Saints Row: Zombie King
Keith - Haunted Saints Row: Julius Little
Gat - Haunted Saints Row: Gat Outta Hell
VC - Haunted Saints Row: Skeleton VC
Dex - Haunted Saints Row: Husk Dex
Donnie - Haunted Saints Row: Demonic Donnie
Lin - Haunted Saints Row: Zombie Lin
Price - Haunted Saints Row: Burning Alive
Sharp - Haunted Saints Row: Bullet Riddled
Vehicles:
Atlasbreaker Variants - Brotherhood, Ronin, Samedi
Gang Customization:
Zombie Brotherhood
Zombie Ronin
Zombie Sons Of Samedi
Cribs:
Playa's Apartment - Haunted Saints Row
3rd Street Church - Haunted Saints Row
Happy Holloween:
Phone Call:
Boss: What is it this time, Kinzie?
Kinzie: Well, Halloween's coming up, so I thought I'd update the simulations to match.
Boss: Ok, so... Guess I have to leave Steelport again?
Kinzie: Just until the update is installed.
Boss: On my way.
- Return to the Ship
Cutscene:
The Saints once again return to the Cargo Bay and get in their Pods, Dex included.
Kinzie (Evil): Pleasant dreams. (Evil laugh)
Viola (Sarcastic): Wow, super scary. I'm shaking in my boots.
Kinzie: Don't ruin this.
They all close their pods, then freeze in Stasis. Cut to Boss, Kinzie, Pierce, Shaundi, Gat, Viola, and VC in their Saints Row Holloween outfits, walking down the street past Freckle Bitch's. But instead of everything being covered in snow, it's dark foggy, with all the Saintsmas themed structures being replaced with Halloween themed structures.
Shaundi: Hey, finally... Back in my Celebrity outfit.
Shaundi then looks at her arms, to see that her hands have been chopped off and her wrists are wrapped in blood soaked bandages.
Shaundi: Are you kidding me? And the heels are missing from my boots?
VC: Hey... Consistency, remember?
Shaundi: I will strangle you.
VC: Oh yeah? How you gonna do that?
Shaundi: (Realisation) Fuck.
Gat: And... Right about now, Dex should drop in by surprise... Right?
They all stop and prepare for Dex to land in his Mech... But nothing happens.
Pierce: Uh... Kinzie, is Shaundi's outfit a reference to a certain puzzle based horror movie?
Kinzie nods.
Pierce: And I'm assuming this Simulation has been designed with that in mind... Right?
Dex's Voice: Congratulations... You just found your first clue... Find them all and complete the puzzles to escape the Simulation...
Boss: Oh fun... A puzzle solving game, and the smartest person in here is unable to talk.
Dex's Voice: And just remember, each puzzle will require a Homie to help you solve it so you can move on. Hope you don't sacrifice the wrong Homie too early. (Evil laugh).
Boss: Kinzie... What made you think this would be fun?
Viola: It's official, she's a sadist.
Gat: I think I'm gonna like this game.
Gameplay:
There are 6 Puzzles to solve, each one tailored to a specific Homie, but in a very obscure way to keep it from being too obvious to figure out which one.
Boss only needs to have 2 surviving Homies to beat Dex in the final Boss Fight, but the more Homies kept alive, the easier the Boss Fight will be.
If Boss only has 1 surviving Homie, they will not survive the Boss Fight and have to restart the Simulation from the first puzzle.
If Boss looses all their Homies, they will not reach the Boss Fight and will have to restart the Simulation from the first puzzle.
Choosing the correct Homie will let you pass the Puzzle without sacrificing a Homie.
Choosing the wrong Homie will let you pass the Puzzle, but will get that Homie killed during the Puzzle.
- Complete the 1st Puzzle
- Complete the 2nd Puzzle
- Complete the 3rd Puzzle
- Complete the 4th Puzzle
- Complete the 5th Puzzle
- Complete the 6th Puzzle
- Defeat Dex
Cutscene:
(Will vary, depending on how many Homies survived)
Boss shoots Dex's body several more times, then throws their gun at him.
Boss: Eh, still not satisfying enough.
Boss turns around to face the survivor(s).
Boss: Let's get out of here.
Boss and the other survivor(s) walk away. But the camera turns around and zooms in on Dex's face... Then his eyes open just before the screen cuts off.
Rewards:
All Homie Skins
All Gang Customization
All Vehicles
All Cribs
Valentines Day DLC:
Simulations:
Saints Bow
Homies & Skins:
Kinzie - Saints Bow: Leather & Lace
Viola - Saints Bow: Naughty
Pierce - Saints Bow: Valentines Bear
Asha - Saints Bow: Nice
Shaundi - Saints Bow: Shaundi Doll (Blow-Up Doll, reskinned to look like Shaundi)
Matt - Saints Bow: Nobody Loves Me
CID - Saints Bow: Love Heart
King - Saints Bow: Let's Pretend
Keith - Saints Bow: Planet Saints
Gat - Saints Bow: Gat Outta Heaven
VC - Saints Bow: Sons Of Love
Dex - Saints Bow: Divorced ex
Donnie - Saints Bow: Cute Cupid
Lin - Saints Bow: Fallen Angel
Price - Saints Bow: Sexy Cupid
Sharp - Saints Bow: Lawyer
Vehicles:
Crop-Duster Variants - Brotherhood, Ronin, Samedi
Gang Customization:
Valentines Brotherhood
Valentines Ronin
Valentines Sons Of Samedi
Cribs:
Motel Room - Saints Bow
Wedding Chapel - Saints Bow
Dating Simulator:
Phone Call:
Boss: Hey Kinzie, I was thinking...
Kinzie: About what?
Boss: It's Valentines Day, and I don't have a valentine.
Kinzie: Oh... Right...
Boss: So... I was wondering... Ya know... If you were free...?
Kinzie: I should stop you right there, before this gets any more awkward... CID's my valentine.
Boss: What? CID? Really?
Kinzie: Well, let's just say, his shell does have some "features" that convinced me to give him a chance...
Boss: I don't need to hear the rest.
Kinzie: I could ask Shaundi if she's free?
Boss: Nah, she's been chasing Keith since we met him.
Kinzie: King?
Boss: All he wants to talk about is his book.
Kinzie: Matt?
Boss: He's a sweet kid, but we are two completely different generations.
Kinzie: Hmm... I've got an idea. Leave Steelport for now, I'll install a new update.
Boss: Ok.
- Return to the Ship
Cutscene:
The Saints once again return to the Cargo Bay and get in their Pods, Dex included.
Dex: Hey, I bet you end up with Johnny anyway... We all know there's something there.
Boss: Well you may as well just not enter the Simulation, cos I'd rather kill you than date you.
Gat: Oh yeah? The only reason he's still alive is cos you won't let me kill him. I bet you fuck Dex before he even takes you to Freckle Bitch's.
Boss: Oh yeah, I bet you fuck him before you get out the car.
Shaundi looks at Keith and Asha.
Shaundi: Do we even need to be here?
Asha: I doubt it. They'll probably end up having a three-way by the end of the night anyway.
Keith: You can bet on that.
They all close their pods, then freeze in Stasis. Cut to Boss, Kinzie, Pierce, Shaundi, Gat, and VC in their Saints Row Valentines outfits, walking down the street past Freckle Bitch's. But instead of everything being covered in snow, it's bright and warm, with all the Saintsmas themed structures being replaced with Valentines themed structures.
Pierce: Hey, who want's a "bear hug"?
VC: I'll pass.
Gat: Hey, I didn't think I could pull off this look, but... Not bad.
Shaundi: And once again, I'm the butt of the joke... F*** me.
Boss: Oh come on, you disabled swearing?
Kinzie (Muffled): This is a time for peace and love, not war and hate.
They all stop and notice Dex stood in front of them.
Dex: Until the Ex shows up to ruin the fun.
Gameplay:
All Homies are available to pick as a date, except VC who acts as the Satus Quo's Chauffeur throughout the date.
- Choose a Homie to go on a date with
- Go on a date at one of Saints Row's many attractions
- Get back in the Status Quo
VC: Last stop, Steelport, Saints HQ.
Cutscene:
Now in their Steelport outfits, Boss and "Homie" exit the elevator into Saints HQ penthouse, then passionately make their way into Boss's bedroom.
Rewards:
All Homie Skins
All Gang Customization
All Vehicles
All Cribs
Precious Memories DLC:
Simulations:
Ultor Funded Saints Row
Homies & Skins:
Kinzie - Ultor Funded Saints Row: Ultor Prisoner
Viola - Ultor Funded Saints Row: Morningstar Leader
Pierce - Ultor Funded Saints Row: Stilwater Saints
Asha - Ultor Funded Saints Row: MI6 Jumpsuit
Shaundi - Ultor Funded Saints Row: Stilwater Saints
Matt - Ultor Funded Saints Row: Deckers Leader
CID - Ultor Funded Saints Row: C.I.D.
King - Ultor Funded Saints Row: Vice Kings King
Keith - Ultor Funded Saints Row: Vice President
Gat - Ultor Funded Saints Row: Stilwater Saints
VC - Ultor Funded Saints Row: Sons Of Samedi Lieutenant
Dex - Ultor Funded Saints Row: Ultor Casual
Donnie - Ultor Funded Saints Row: Westside Rollerz Mechanic
Lin - Ultor Funded Saints Row: Westside Rollerz Undercover
Price - Ultor Funded Saints Row: Westside Rollerz Leader
Sharp - Ultor Funded Saints Row: Westside Rollerz Leader
Carlos - Saintsmas SR: Sainta Hat - Summer SR: Brotherhood Shorts - Haunted SR: Zombie Carlos - Saints Bow: Fallen Saint - Ultor Funded Saints Row/Steelport/Misty Lane: Stilwater Saints
Maero - Saintsmas SR: Sainta Hat - Summer SR: Brotherhood Shorts - Haunted SR: Burned Tattoo - Saints Bow: Brotherhood Angel - Ultor Funded Saints Row/Steelport/Misty Lane: Brotherhood Leader
Jyunichi - Saintsmas SR: Sainta Hat - Summer SR: Ronin Shorts - Haunted SR: Cesar Salad - Saints Bow: Ronin Angel - Ultor Funded Saints Row/Steelport/Misty Lane: Ronin Lieutenant
Mr. Sunshine - Saintsmas SR: Sainta Hat - Summer SR: Sons Of Samedi Shorts - Haunted SR: Headless - Saints Bow: Sons Of Samedi Angel - Ultor Funded Saints Row/Steelport/Misty Lane: Sons Of Samedi Lieutenant
Dane Vogel - Saintsmas SR: Sainta Hat - Summer SR: Ultor Shorts - Haunted SR: Hell's Incarnation - Saints Bow: Ultor Angel - Ultor Funded Saints Row/Steelport/Misty Lane: Ultor Leader
Vehicles:
Maero's Atlasbreaker
Shogo's Kaneda
The General's Hounfor
Vogel's The Job
Gang Customization:
Brotherhood
Ronin
Sons Of Samedi
Masako
Cribs:
Mega Condo - Ultor Funded Saints Row
Stilwater Memorial Church - Ultor Funded Saints Row
The Good (Not So) Old Days:
Phone Call:
Kinzie: Hi Boss. What's on your mind?
Boss: Dane Vogel may have been an asshole, but he sure made Saints Row look a lot better than it used to.
Kinzie: I could update Virtual Saints Row to look more like it did under Ultor's control?
Boss: Yeah, and do you think you could bring back the Brotherhood, Ronin, and Samedi too?
Kinzie: Why? You can fight them in Virtual Steelport.
Boss: Yeah, but it's more fun fighting them on their home turf.
Kinzie: Ok, I'll see if I can recreate some events from your past so you can relive them while you're taking a trip down memory lane.
Boss: Thanks.
Kinzie: They may not be exactly as you remember, because they'll all have to take place in the Saints Row District, but I'll do my best to make it feel as close as possible.
Boss: That'll work.
- Return to Virtual Steelport
Cutscene:
Gameplay:
Cutscene:
Rewards:
Homie - Donnie
Homie - Zombie WR
She Lives:
Phone Call:
- Go to The Broken Shillelagh
Gameplay:
Cutscene:
Gameplay:
Rewards:
All Homie Skins
All Gang Customization
All Vehicles
All Cribs
Zinyak may be dead, but that doesn't mean he's the only one who can trap the Saints in bizarrely themed nightmares.
Quick Points:
The Main Simulation used for this Game is loosely based on the Saints Row District from Saints Row 1, but with hints of other districts mixed in for mission objective purposes.
Though they are the Steelport Models, this Saints Row Simulation contains 1 Rim Jobs, 1 Rusty's Needle, 1 Friendly Fire, 1 Image As Designed, 1 Planet Saints, & the usual Leather & Lace, Let's Pretend, & Nobody Loves Me.
City Takeover in Virtual Saints Row works pretty much the same as it did in SRTT & SRIV.
The Saints Ship is fully accessible with all the Homies at their stations, including Viola, Dex , Donnie, Lin, & Zombie WR this time (but all are in their normal outfits, instead of the Jumpsuits).
The Stasis Pods in the Cargo Bay give access to Virtual Saints Row & Virtual Misty Lane. The Simulation Machines in the Central Console Room give access to Virtual Steelport.
The only remnants of Virtual Steelport in this game are Sunset Park, & Loren Square, so all bridges leading off the island are raised or destroyed. Henry Steel Mills, the Guard Armory, Magarac Island, and the other 3 Main Islands are all replaced with 2D backdrops that are beyond the world barriers. This Simulation is also fully accessible, and if any Homies are called up in this Simulation, they will appear in their Normal outfits, instead of their Saintsmas outfits.
As this Steelport is smaller than the original, this Simulation only contains 1 Rim Jobs, 1 Rusty's Needle, 1 Friendly Fire, 1 Image As Designed, 2 Planet Zins, and 2 Gateways.
Unlike the original Virtual Steelport, Saints HQ is fully intact, and is the only Crib in Virtual Steelport, as Gateways are now only used to return to the Ship.
There is no City Takeover in Virtual Steelport this time. Virtual Steelport only exists for continuity purposes (Eg. using The Broken Shillelagh to travel to other Simulations). Even though this is a standalone game, it is meant to feel as though it follows the rules set in SRIV.
Kris as a Homie, has her voice lines muffled, wields a Whip as her weapon of choice, and will not switch weapons. Kinzie as a Homie, does not have her voice lines muffled, wields the same weapon she did in SRIV, but can switch weapons.
Flow as a Homie, can only get in the back of a Criminal, and can't wield any weapons. Pierce as a Homie, can have a normal seat in any vehicle, wields the same weapon he did in SRIV, but can switch weapons.
Loa as a Homie, can't wield any weapons, she can only punch and kick with her hooves. Shaundi as a Homie, wields the same weapon she did in SRIV, but can switch weapons.
Sainta as a Homie, wields the North Pole as his weapon of choice, but will not switch weapons. Gat as a Homie, wields a Minigun as his weapon of choice, but still will not switch weapons.
Though Heli Assault is used as part of the Main Story, it is still a set of Activities, but is not the only set in Saints Row, there is also: Mayhem, Escort, Insurance Fraud, Snatch, & Trail Blazing.
Tank Mayhem is playable in Steelport, but only for Cash, no XP. The more damage you do, the more cash you earn.
Vehicles in both Saints Row and Steelport, include Land, & Air, but not Sea. The Summer DLC adds the Sea vehicles to both Saints Row and Steelport.
Though they are the Steelport Models, the Misty Lane Simulation contains 1 Rim Jobs, 1 Rusty's Needle, 1 Friendly Fire, 1 Image As Designed, & 1 Planet Saints.
City Takeover in Virtual Misty Lane works pretty much the same as it did in SRTT & SRIV.
There are no superpowers in this game.
Full Mission Replay for all Missions, not just DLC.
Simulations:
Saintsmas Saints Row
Virtual Steelport
Homies & Skins:
Kinzie - Saintsmas Saints Row: Kristine Kinkle - Steelport: Ex-FBI
Viola - Saintsmas Saints Row: Sexy Sainta - Steelport: Morningstar Leader
Pierce - Saintsmas Saints Row: Frosty The Flowman - Steelport: Celebrity
Asha - Saintsmas Saints Row: Sexy Sainta - Steelport: MI6 Jumpsuit
Shaundi - Saintsmas Saints Row: Loa Dust The Red Bulbed Reindeer - Steelport: Celebrity
Matt - Saintsmas Saints Row: Sainta Suit - Steelport: Deckers Leader
CID - Saintsmas Saints Row: Sainta Hat - Steelport: C.I.D.
King - Saintsmas Saints Row: Sainta Suit - Steelport: Chief Of Staff
Keith - Saintsmas Saints Row: Sainta Suit - Steelport: Vice President
Gat - Saintsmas Saints Row: Sainta Claus - Steelport: Celebrity
VC - Saintsmas Saints Row: Sainta Hat - Steelport: Sons Of Samedi Lieutenant
Dex - Saintsmas Saints Row: 3rd Street Saints - Steelport: Ultor Casual
Vehicles:
All from SRTT, SRIV, & all DLCs
Pony Sleigh
Gang Customization:
All from SRTT, SRIV, & all DLCs
Flowmen
Reindeer Strippers
Saintsmas Elves
Cribs:
Saints HQ - Steelport
Playa's Apartment - Saintsmas Saints Row
3rd Street Church - Saintsmas Saints Row
Sweet Dreams:
Phone Call:
Kinzie: Are you done playing around in Virtual Steelport yet?
Boss: Yeah, I guess so. I thought it would be a lot more fun than this, but Steelport is kinda lame... I miss Stilwater.
Kinzie: (Sigh) Fine. I guess I can use my spare time to build a replica of Stilwater to give you a little more choice for playing around in virtual reality.
Boss: Thanks, I'd like that.
Kinzie: Now get out of there. We all need to go into Stasis until the ship locates a planet with a breathable atmosphere.
Boss: Ok, I'm on my way.
- Return to the Ship
Cutscene:
Kinzie has set up a bank of Stasis Pods in the Cargo Bay. Boss enters the Cargo Bay, and joins the others as they all enter their own Pod and say goodnight to each other.
Just as the last Pod closes and they all freeze, a silhouette is seen stepping up to the main console.
Familiar Voice: And just when you thought you'd finally won... Sweet Dreams... Playa.
Gameplay:
Boss wakes up in a Dumpster behind Freckle Bitch's (the word "Bitch" is censored on the sign).
Boss (Disoriented): What the...?
- Climb out of the Dumpster
Boss: I'm wearing a purple Elf Costume? And I'm in Stilwater? Is this a dream? Or was eveything else a dream?
- Leave the alleyway
Boss: (Scoffs) Snow huh? Never saw that in Stilwater before... I should find Kinzie, she'll know what's going on... Assuming Kinzie wasn't just a dream too.
- Search the street for clues
Boss: Is that one of Safeword's Pony Carts?
- Inspect the Pony Cart (It's essentially the "Sleigh One", but able to have a Homie act as the Reindeer)
Boss: Looks like a Sleigh... I think I might know where to find her.
- Get in a Vehicle
- Go to The Raykins Hotel (It has been remodelled into Sainta's Village, with a big gold Fleur De Lis over the entrance.
Boss: "Sainta's Village"? What the f***?... Oh come on!? Now I can't f***ing swear? Well now I know this is a simulation. I hope I can still use violence.
- Attempt to kick the door open
(Boss does a happy elf dance)
Boss: Oh f*** this. I'm finding Kinzie, then we're getting the h*** out of here.
- Get back in your vehicle
- Drive through the doors
The Doors, entrance, and even the big gold Fleur De Lis are destroyed in the process.
Boss: Surprise motherf***ers! Now gimme back my Kinzie!
Elf: You're not Sainta! Only he can order a prisoner's release!
Boss: Then I guess I'm doing this old school.
- Run over all the Elves in the lobby
Intercom Elf: Calling all Elves! Let's all go to the lobby!
- Defend the lobby from 3 waves of Elves
- Exit your vehicle triumphantly
Boss: Keep the snacks... You filthy animals.
- Search the building for Kinzie
Cutscene:
Boss finds the Pony Barn, where Kinzie is chained up to a Pony Sleigh, wearing the "Kristine Kinkle" outfit, complete with Saintsmas Bauble Gag.
Boss (Amused): Oh, you are never living this down.
Kris: (Angry grunt)
Elf: Hey, I think they went this way!
Boss: Does this thing fly?
Kris nods.
Boss: Good enough, let's go.
Boss gets into the Sleigh.
Gameplay:
- Fly away from Sainta's Village
Boss: They're coming after us! Does this thing have any weapons?
Kris (Muffled): Try the Present Cannon and Coal Gun.
- Take out the other Sleighs
Boss: We gotta go to a safe zone, and since this looks like Saints Row before Ultor claimed it, that means we go to the Church.
- Fly to the 3rd Street Church
Cutscene:
The Sleigh is parked in the Graveyard to the side of the Church. Boss and Kris enter the Church through the Side Door.
Once inside, they both sit on the sofa and look at each other.
Boss: I don't know how we got in this mess... But it's gonna be fun finding out.
Kris just nods in agreement.
Rewards:
Homie - Kristine Kinkle/Kinzie Kensington
Homie - Viola DeWynter
Vehicle - Pony Sleigh
Crib - Playa's Apartment (Contains Gateway back to the Ship)
There's Snow Place Like Home:
Phone Call:
Familiar Voice: Ok, so you may have rescued one of your friends, but you just got lucky... It won't happen again.
- Return to the Saints Row Simulation (Via The Broken Shillelagh)
Gameplay:
Elf Boss and Kris are stood in Julius's Office in the Church.
Boss: You found Pierce? What about the others?... No, just Pierce... (Sigh) Alright, let's go get him first then.
- Go to Playa's Apartment (Saints Row Loft)
- Use the Homie Detector to locate Pierce (In the Cul-de-sac from "Round Peg Square Hole")
Boss: It's some kind of Snowman cult or something.
Flow: Hey Boss! You gotta watch out! They're all fuelled up on Saints Flow!
Boss: Of course they are.
- Attempt to fight the Flowmen
Boss: I'm still just dancing. How do I defeat these guys?
Kris (Muffled): I got it! Just keep them distracted for a sec.
Kris runs back to Playa's Apartment.
- Keep dancing until Kris returns
Kris returns and hands Boss a Flamethrower.
Boss: And this is why I love you, Kinzie... I mean, "Kristine".
- Melt all the Flowmen
Cutscene:
Melting Flowman: I'm melting! Oh, what a world!
His hand is the last thing to melt, it maintains itself just long enough to give Boss "the finger" before completely melting away.
Boss: And that's that.
As Boss says that, behind them, Flow starts rising from the pile of snow, encased in a snow frame that resembles a Warden.
Flow: Uh Boss... You may want to turn around.
Boss and Kris turn around to see Frosty The Flowman in full form.
Boss: That's... Not good.
Frosty: (Roars)
Scripted Gameplay:
Boss: Uh, this Flamethrower's not gonna do it this time... What do we do?
Kris (Muffled): I don't know.
Boss (Sarcastic): Thanks for the help. Pierce, if you're still in there, take control!
Frosty: The Flow is gone, only Frosty remains!
- Run and avoid getting hit
They pass a car that has the radio playing.
Frosty stops and begins to dance.
Boss: Of course. Pierce loves to dance. If we can get a big enough speaker, it should nullify Frosty and allow Pierce to take over.
Frosty crushes the car then continues his rampage.
Kris (Muffled): Lead him to Scratch That!
Boss: Ok.
- Lead Frosty to Scratch That
Gameplay:
As soon as Frosty gets close to the store, he begins to dance, but still tries to attack the store.
Veteran Child: If he tries to attack the store, just use the Flamethrower to stop him!
Boss: Got it!
- Use the Flamethrower to stop Frosty from attacking Scratch That
Flow: Hey, it worked! I'm in control again... And this is one h*** of cool snow suit.
Boss: Glad to have you back... "Flow".
Rewards:
Homie - Frosty The Flowman/Pierce Washington
Homie - Asha Odekar
Gang Customization - Flowmen
All I Want For Saintsmas:
Phone Call:
Familiar Voice: Oh, you think you're winning, don't you? Well guess again.
- Return to the Saints Row Simulation (Via The Broken Shillelagh)
Gameplay:
Elf Boss, Kris, and Flow are all in Dex's Office in the Church. There's a 3D model of the interior of Sainta's Stable on the desk.
Flow: So it looks like the Elves opened up a strip club in Athos Bay, by renovating the old Carnales Storefront. They got security posted on the main entrance, and the rear exit. But if you land on the rooftop, you can sneak in through the vents. To make sure it goes down smooth, I'll cause a distraction out front so you two can get inside and rescue Shaundi without any...
Boss: I think you know I'm just gonna go in through the front entrance, guns blazing.
Flow: Oh really? Why don't you give me a demonstration right now?
- Pick up a rifle and fire it
Only glitter sprays out from the gun.
Boss: Oh right...
Flow: So then, back to the plan...
Gameplay following Option A: Flow's Plan
- Go to the Pony Sleigh in the Graveyard
- Fly to the rooftop of Sainta's Stable
- Wait for Flow's Distraction
- Sneak inside through the vents
- Sneak into the back room to rescue Shaundi
Gameplay following Option B: F*** It!
- Ignore Flow
- Drive to Sainta's Stable
- Enter through the main entrance
- Use "Killer" Dance Moves to take out the Elves
- Get to the back room to rescue Shaundi
Cutscene:
Boss and Kris enter the back room to see Loa being held hostage by one of the Elves.
Loa: It's about time you showed up.
Boss (Sarcastic): Nice costume, mind if I "ride" you home?
Loa (Sarcastic): Very funny.
Boss: I know what I want for Saintsmas.
Loa: Can you just rescue me already?
Boss: What, you actually want my help this time?
Loa: I'd have done it myself, but my hands are trapped inside these hooves.
Boss: Oh "Deer".
Loa: Shut up.
Boss: And those hooves on your feet don't look very "Stable" either.
Loa: (Sigh) I hate you.
Elf: Enough talking! We're going for a ride.
The Elf takes Loa with him as he escapes.
Boss: I got dibs on the next ride.
Kris shakes her head.
Gameplay:
- Meet Flow outside
Flow: What happened?
Boss: An Elf took off with her. We gotta follow them.
Flow: You two go ahead, I'm gonna check on the other "reindeer".
Boss: Of course you are.
- Catch up to the Elf & Loa
- Stop their vehicle without destroying it
They both get out of the vehicle.
Elf: Ok, you want your reindeer back, then defeat me in a dance-off.
Loa: I have a name you know, and I'm not an actual reindeer.
Boss: You got it.
The Elf busts a few moves and tries to look impressive.
- Use "Killer" Dance Moves to take out the Elf
Elf (Dying): Ugh, I see the light... And it's blue?... What the f*** does that mean!?
Loa: Glad that's over. Can someone help me outta this costume?
Boss: I think we're stuck like this until we beat the simulation.
Loa (Sarcastic): Great. Just what I need. No hands and very little balance... F***ing beautiful.
Rewards:
Homie - Loa Dust, The Red Bulbed Reindeer/ Shaundi
Homie - Matt Miller
Gang Customization - Reindeer Strippers
Saintsmas Heli Assault: 3 Levels
Gameplay:
Boss is flying the Pony Sleigh with Kris and Loa as the Ponies.
Flow is in a Saintsmas Criminal (with Flowman driver)
- Protect Flow from Elves while he delivers Saints Flow to the citizens of Saints Row
- Defend Flow while he rescues a Homie (Final Stop of each Level)
Rewards:
Level 1:
Homie - CID
Level 2:
Homie - Benjamin King
Level 3:
Homie - Keith David
And A Fluer De Lis On A Pine Tree:
Phone Call:
Familiar Voice: And so, it all comes down to this... I hope you're ready.
- Return to the Saints Row Simulation (Via The Broken Shillelagh)
Cutscene:
Elf Boss, Kris, Flow, and Loa are all in Gat's Office, preparing themselves for the final Boss Battle.
Boss: Ok, so all we have left to do is... Take out the final Boss and disable this Simulation... Any idea where to start?
Kris attempts to explain what to do, but no one understands her.
Loa: Can't you take that thing off?
Boss: We've tried, it's held on by some kind of magic spell or something.
Loa: It's called "code".
Boss: Right.
Flow: What if we...
Boss: If this involves more sneaking and tactics, I don't wanna hear it. I'm sick of this simulation's prohibitions on violence. If we can find a way to cheat the system and give them a real fight, then I wanna give them all we got.
Loa: Well, there's the weapons on the Sleigh, and the Flamethrower seems to work on certain enemies and objects... So we've just got to hope the boss fight involves a lot of snow and gift giving.
Boss: Well... It's a start.
Flow: Where are we gonna find this boss fight?
Loa: Well, the theme of "Saintsmas" suggests that it's gonna be in the most festive location possible...
Boss: When I first woke up here, there was a big "festive" pine tree in the centre of the park near Freckle B****'s.
Flow: That sounds like the perfect spot for a boss battle to me.
Loa: But... Who's the boss?
Kris (Muffled): I'll give you a hint, we're in his office right now.
Boss: You're right Kris... We could use Gat's help right now.
Kris facepalms herself.
Boss: Alright, enough talk, it's our time now, let's get this s*** started.
Flow: That censorship was so uncool right there.
Gameplay:
- Go to the Sleigh in the Graveyard
Flow: I'll meet you guys there. Don't start the party without me.
Loa: Then you'd better hurry.
- Fly to the Saintsmas Tree (reskinned Hotspot)
- Land and walk up to the Tree
Scripted Gameplay:
The 4 of them walk towards the tree, but just as they get close enough, a giant mechsuit (reskin of Zinyak's mechsuit) lands between them and the tree, knocking them back into Freckle Bitch's seating area.
Boss: What the f*** what that!?
Loa: Uh... Looks like we found Sainta.
The Mech is revealed to be a giant Sainta Claus mech.
Flow: Who's in that thing?
Sainta (Intimiadting): Ho, ho, ho. Merry Saintsmas.
Boss/Loa/Flow: Johnny!?
Kris (Muffled): Told you.
Gameplay:
Boss: I'm not attacking Johnny. We have to find another way to defeat him.
Flow: Oh, so now you want sneaking and tactics?
Loa: You two keep Sainta occupied, Kris and I will get in the Sleigh and fly around to see if there's anything we can use.
Boss: On it.
- Keep Sainta distracted, so he doesn't attack Loa's Sleigh
Flow: Hey, you two find anything yet?
Loa: It looks like that tree is in the exact centre of this Simulation... If we can find a way to disable the Tree, then we should gain control of the Simulation, and hopefully loosen Sainta's hold over Gat's mind.
Boss: Oh, I get it! It's a Hotspot!
- Disable the Hotspot in the normal way
Loa: Wait, don't...!
The Tree electrifies Boss and sends them flying into the Dumpster behind Freckle Bitch's.
Boss wakes up in the Dumpster behind Freckle Bitch's (the word "Bitch" is no longer censored on the sign).
Boss (Disoriented): What the...?
- Climb out of the Dumpster
Boss: I'm wearing a purple Elf Costume? And I'm in Stilwater? Is this a dream? Or was eveything else a dream?
- Leave the alleyway
Boss: Wait... This isn't right... Did I just dream all of that?
- Search the street for clues
Boss: Is that one of Safeword's Pony Carts?
- Inspect the Pony Cart
Veteran Child suddenly appears behind Boss.
VC: Ah, there you are.
Boss: Veteran Child?
VC: Yeah, Kinzie thought this might end up happening, so she left me loose in the Simulation.
Boss: Wait, then all of that was real!?
VC: Yeah, and when you struck that Hotspot, you reset the Simulation.
Boss: So I have to do all that shit again... Wait... "Shit"... "Ass"... Holy fuck, I can swear now!?
VC: Yeah, you may have reset the Simulation, but you definitely bugged out a few "prohibitions" that were set. I think you disabled the violence suppressor too. Now follow me, I have a shortcut back to the Boss Fight.
Boss: Hold on, I think I know how to disable the tree, but we need to stay in this part of the simulation to get what I need.
VC: Ok, let's go there first then.
- Go to Sainta's Village
VC: We don't have time for a pony ride.
Boss: Look above the entrance.
VC: A big gold Fleur De Lis... So what?
Boss: Just help me get it on the roof of the car.
VC: Ok, but it's gonna make the way back to the Boss Fight a lot slower.
- Join VC under the Fleur De Lis
Cut to Boss and VC back in the car, with the Fleur De Lis on the roof.
Boss: So, how do we get back?
VC: Drive at 88 miles per hour.
Boss: You're fucking with me... Right?
VC: I said it would make the way back a lot slower.
Boss: (Sigh) Fuck me.
- Get the car up to 88 miles per hour
The car de-spawns, then respawns in the same location, but during the Boss Fight.
Boss: Ok, now let's just get back to Sainta and finish this.
VC: Alright.
- Regroup with Loa and Kris inside Freckle Bitch's
Boss: I'm back guys!
Loa: Where the fuck have you been?
Boss: Long story, but I've got what we need to end this fight. Where's the Sleigh?
Loa (Embarrassed): Uh... Kris crashed it.
Boss: I thought you were the pilot?
Loa: Yeah well, I have hooves for hands, so fuck you.
Boss: Great, now how do we get that giant gold Fleur De Lis on top of the tree?
VC: All you'd need is one big ass ramp...
Loa: The unfinished Freeway!
Boss: Good idea, lets go.
- Leave Freckle Bitch's
Flow: Where the hell are you guys going?
Loa: Just keep him distracted, we've got a plan.
Flow: Why do I always have to be the bait?
- Get in the car
VC: Looks like the Elves are back.
Boss: Not for long.
- Run over the Elves on the way to the Freeway On-Ramp
- Get on the Freeway
- Build up speed to ramp off towards the Tree
Boss: Ok, hold on to you're hooves, Loa!
Loa (Sarcastic): Ha ha!
Cutscene:
(In slow-motion) As the car passes over the tree, Kris and VC climb onto the roof and make sure they place the Fleur De Lis perfectly on top of the tree. In the process, they are left hanging from the Fluer as the car passes.
(In normal speed) The car luckily passes Sainta but has a bumpy landing and rolls into Freckle Bitch's seating area. Kris and VC swing and drop their way down the branches until they reach the ground. Gat wakes up and teleports out of the Mech Suit, but is still dressed as Sainta Claus. The three of them rush over to Freckle Bitch's, where Flow has already began helping Boss out of the car.
Flow: You ok, Boss?
Boss: Yeah, I'm fine.
Loa crawls out of the car by herself.
Loa (Sarcastic): Yeah, I'm fine too, by the way.
The Fleur De Lis activates, and the Simulation begins to transform into a summer version of Saints Row, and the Saints outfits return to normal.
Kinzie: Finally, I can close my jaw.
Shaundi: And I can use my hands.
Familiar Voice: Not so fast!
The Saints all turn and see Dex stood beside the Mechsuit.
Gat: Dex.
Boss: Of course.
Dex: This is my world, and only I say when you've had enough.
Gat: I'm getting real sick of your voice, Dex.
Boss: Tell me about it.
Dex: Well, you wanna shut me up?
Dex teleports into the Mechsuit, then grabs the Fleur De Lis and breaks it, reverting the Simulation and the Saints outfits back to their Saintsmas outfits.
Kris (Muffled)/Loa: Fuck me.
Dex: Then why don't you make me?
Gameplay:
- Defeat Dex
Cutscene:
The Mechsuit lies in ruins on the ground. Dex teleports out of it and drops to his knees in pain. The Saints surround him, looking intimidating.
Sainta: You really fucked up this time Dex.
Dex: Oh yeah, this is just a Simulation. The real me is...
Loa (Smug): Is where, Dex? Aboard the ship... Aboard OUR ship?
Dex: (Nervous choke)
Sainta: That's fun, we can beat him up in here for a few years, then when the ship finds a planet, we can wake up and beat him up in reality too.
Boss: Didn't think that one through, did you Dex?
Dex (Nervous): I can wake up any time I want, I'm not stuck in here like all of you.
Loa: Wrong again asshole, while we were fighting you, Kris here set a few new Simulation protocols of her own.
Dex: Oh shit.
Flow: Welcome to Stasis, Dex... It's gonna be a long trip.
Rewards:
Homie - Sainta Claus/Johnny Gat
Homie - Veteran Child
Homie - Dexter Dex Jackson
Crib - 3rd Street Church (Contains Gateway back to the Ship)
Gang Customization - Saintsmas Elves
Cut Out Again DLC:
Simulations:
Misty Lane
Homies & Skins:
Kinzie - Misty Lane: Ex-Stilwater SWAT
Viola - Misty Lane: Stilwater "Romance Manager"
Pierce - Misty Lane: Stilwater Saints
Asha - Misty Lane: Stilwater SWAT
Shaundi - Misty Lane: Stilwater Saints
Matt - Misty Lane: Stilwater PD
CID - Misty Lane: Football
King - Misty Lane: Vice Kings Leader
Keith - Misty Lane: Julius Little
Gat - Misty Lane: 3rd Street Saints
VC - Misty Lane: Sons Of Samedi Lieutenant
Dex - Misty Lane: 3rd Street Saints
Donnie - Saintsmas Saints Row: Saintsmas Elf - Steelport: Steelport Mechanic - Misty Lane: Westside Rollerz Mechanic
Lin - Saintsmas Saints Row: Sexy Saintsmas Elf - Steelport: 3rd Street Saints - Misty Lane: Westside Rollerz Undercover
Price - Saintsmas Saints Row: Sainta Suit - Steelport/Misty Lane: Westside Rollerz Leader
Sharp - Saintsmas Saints Row: Sainta Hat - Steelport/Misty Lane: Westside Rollerz Leader
Zombie WR
Vehicles:
Pierce's Mag
King's Mag
Julius's Zenith
Gat's Venom
Dex's Raycaster
Donnie's Quasar
Lin's Voxel
Price's Attrazione
Sharp's Justice
Gang Customization:
Westside Rollerz
Cribs:
Price's Mansion - Misty Lane
Afterthought:
Phone Call:
Boss: Any word on Donnie's Whereabouts?
Kinzie: Who?
Boss: You remember, he was in the Rollerz, then the Brotherhood, then he got cut from the series... Then he came back in that cheesy ETD DLC?
Kinzie: Oh... Right...
Boss: Is something wrong?
Kinzie: Well, it's just we've already got me and Matt... So having more than two tech heads on board would be a little redundant.
Boss: You know Shaundi was my tech girl back in Stilwater, maybe I should put her in charge of the ship?
Kinzie: Fine, I'll see if I can find... Oh wait.
Boss: Nice try, now get to it.
Kinzie: No, that's the thing... I thought all the Simulations were designed for one individual... But Donnie's Simulation...
Boss: Lin!?
Kinzie: This can't be possible... I'll need to look further into this.
Boss: Fuck that... I'm getting out of Steelport, then you're getting me into that Simulation... Like right fucking now!
Kinzie: Fine, but this still doesn't feel right.
- Return to the Ship
Cutscene:
Boss, Gat, and Dex get into the Stasis Pods.
Gat: Ya know, as much as I hate you right now, I'm glad to see you care about Lin as much as we do.
Dex: Hey, if I'd have known she was still alive, I never would have turned my back on Julius.
Boss: Enough talk, it's our time now... Let's get this shit started.
They all close their pods as Kinzie and Matt watch with worrying hesitation.
Gameplay:
Boss, Dex, and Gat in their "Misty Lane" outfits find themselves stood in Technically Legal watching strippers on the stage.
Gat: Oh, this takes me back.
Dex: Anyone got change for a 50?
Boss: Focus guys. We're here to rescue Lin... Though I do love those boots.
- Leave Technically Legal
Gat: Ah, the Suburbs...
Dex: This place had a lot more class before you moved in.
Gat: Hey, shut up.
Boss: No time for memory lane, let's get in a car.
Dex: Hey, that looks like Laura's car.
- Get in Laura's Hannibal
Boss: I'm sure she won't mind if I take it for a spin.
- Go to Price's Mansion
Dex: Looks like a welcoming party.
Gat: And it's time for the confetti.
- Kill the Rollerz
- Search the Mansion for Lin
Dex: Donnie? What the hell are you doing here?
Donnie: I've been stuck in this loop for a long time, but no matter what, I just can't rescue her.
Boss: Well that's about to change.
Donnie: Good. Sharp's headed for the Arena District, if he makes it to the Bridge leading out of Misty Lane... The simulation will reset and we'll get stuck in the loop again.
Gat: Then let's go.
- Chase down Sharp
Donnie: No!
Dex: Damn it!
Gat: That fucker got away.
Boss: Hold on... Kinzie, reset the Simulation, but spawn us at Glitz. We'll cut him off before he can escape.
Kinzie: Someone needs to trigger his escape from the Mansion.
Donnie: I'll go... I'd do anything to rescue Lin.
Gat: Good luck man.
Kinzie resets the Simulation. Boss spawns outside Glitz. Dex and Gat have already formed a roadblock at the Bridge.
Dex: We're all set up down here... Just grab a car and help block the road off.
Boss: On it.
- Get in Julius's Zenith
- Park between Gat's Venom and Dex's Raycaster
- Wait until you see Lin's Voxel and Donnie's Quasar
- Shoot the tires on Lin's Voxel
Cutscene:
Lin's Voxel crashes into the roadblock, then Sharp falls out of the driver's seat. He looks up to see Gat and Dex stood over him looking intimidating.
Sharp: Oh no.
Cut to Boss and Donnie prying the trunk open to reveal Zombie Lin hidden inside.
Boss: What!?
Donnie: No, it can't be... She was alive... I heard her screaming for help.
Boss: I knew it was too good to be true.
Gat: Fucking Zinyak and his mind games.
Kinzie: Hold on you big babies... This Zombie isn't the real Lin. It's just a Westside Roller in Lin's clothes.
Dex: What!?
Kinzie: I did some digging... And it turns out Zinyak abducted Lin right before she died, then replaced her "corpse" with a dead Westside Roller. Then after the Eye For An Eye revival, he retrieved the Zombie and stuck her in Donnie's simulation for the added realism.
Donnie: So then... Where's the real Lin?
Kinzie: Just give me a sec to find out.
Rewards:
Homie - Donnie
Homie - Zombie WR
She Lives:
Phone Call:
Boss: Come on Kinzie... Give me some good news.
Kinzie: Sorry... But Lin is even harder to find than Gat was.
Boss: Then get the whole dream team together. You, Matt, Shaundi, and Donnie.
Kinzie: Donnie's having a panic attack, Matt's playing some stupid mobile game, and Shaundi's mellowing out on some Powdered Zin Crystals.
Boss: And these are the people who helped defeat Zinyak... Makes you think.
Kinzie: Hold on... I think I found her.
Boss: I'm on my way.
- Go to The Broken Shillelagh
Gameplay:
Boss, Gat & Dex are stood outside Friendly Fire in Misty Lane.
Gat: Why are we back in Donnie's nightmare?
Kinzie: It's not. It just so happens that Lin's nightmare uses the same build as Donnie's.
Dex: Can we just rescue Lin already? I'm sick of hanging out with these two.
Boss: (Sarcastic) Love you too, Dex.
Kinzie: Just find the delivery truck... Then the rest will follow.
- find the Delivery Truck
Dex: The Rollerz are here.
Gat: (Sarcastic) So those blue cars ain't an escort service?
Boss: Why did I bring you two along again?
- Protect the Delivery Truck from the Rollerz
Gat: Hey there's one trying to escape.
- Follow the Rollerz Mockingbird
He gets out the car and heads for a parked Attrazione.
- Destroy the Attrazione
Dex: Now what?
Boss: We go to Price's Mansion
- Go to Price's Mansion
Price: if you want to rescue Lin, you have to go through me!
Price is driving the Goliath in laps around the Mansion.
- Blow up the Goliath
- Kill Price
Boss: No more fucking around. Let's get our girl back.
- Enter the mansion
Cutscene:
Boss, Gat, and Dex enter the mansion, split up and search for Lin. Boss finds Lin being held hostage by Sharp in the master bedroom.
Boss: Lin!
Sharp: You can't win, not this time.
Boss: I know.
Boss smugly grins at Sharp. Lin then stamps on his foot and elbows him in the face.
She regroups with the Boss, but Sharp teleport away.
Boss: Let's get out of here.
Lin: Not until I kill that asshole.
Boss and Lin run past Gat and Dex on the stairs, then run out the front door.
Gameplay:
- Get in Lin's Voxel
- Keep up with Sharp's Justice until Lin destroys it
Boss: Feel better now?
Lin: Yeah. But I still want to finish off the Rollerz for good.
Boss: You know this is just a simulation, right?
Lin: I don't care. Zinyak made this prison to crush my spirit, so I want to destroy it.
Boss: Kinzie?
Kinzie: I'll set up some Activities and Diversions.
Lin: Thanks.
Rewards:
All Homie Skins
All Gang Customization
All Vehicles
All Cribs
Summer DLC:
Simulations:
Summer Saints Row
Homies & Skins:
Kinzie - Summer Saints Row: Summer Safeword Special
Viola - Summer Saints Row: Morningstar Bikini
Pierce - Summer Saints Row: Sandstorm
Asha - Summer Saints Row: MI6 Bikini
Shaundi - Summer Saints Row: Stiletto The Pony
Matt - Summer Saints Row: Deckers Shorts
CID - Summer Saints Row: Beachball
King - Summer Saints Row: Vice Kings Shorts
Keith - Summer Saints Row: Vice Presidential Shorts
Gat - Summer Saints Row: Gat P.I.
VC - Summer Saints Row: Sons Of Samedi Shorts
Dex - Summer Saints Row: Ultor Shorts
Donnie - Summer Saints Row: Westside Rollerz Shorts
Lin - Summer Saints Row: Westside Rollerz Bikini
Price - Summer Saints Row: Westside Rollerz Speedo
Sharp - Summer Saints Row: Westside Rollerz Shorts
Vehicles:
Shark Variants - Saints, Stilwater PD
Miami Variants - Brotherhood, Ronin, Samedi, Stilwater PD
Convict Variants - Brotherhood
Skipper Variants - Saints
Gang Customization:
Brotherhood Shorts & Bikinis
Ronin Shorts & Bikinis
Sons Of Samedi Shorts & Bikinis
Cribs:
Playa's Apartment - Summer Saints Row
3rd Street Church - Summer Saints Row
Summer Vacation:
Phone Call:
Kinzie: Hey, you done in there yet?
Boss: Just 1 more round of Tank Mayhem.
Kinzie: (Sigh) You can get back to that after I install this update.
Boss: What's it for?
Kinzie: I'm trying to keep it a surpise.
Boss: (Sigh) Fine... I'll head to a Gateway now.
Kinzie: See you soon.
- Return to the Ship
Cutscene:
The Saints once again return to the Cargo Bay and get in their Pods, Dex included.
Gat: You wanna tell us what this is about?
Kinzie: You'll have to wait and see.
They all close their pods, then freeze in Stasis. Cut to Boss, Kinzie, Pierce, Shaundi, Gat, and VC in their Saints Row Summer outfits, walking down the street past Freckle Bitch's. But instead of everything being covered in snow, it's nice and sunny, with all the Saintsmas themed structures being replaced with summer themed structures.
Boss: this should make our trip a lot more relaxing.
Shaundi: Yeah, but did you have to keep me stuck in an animal costume with hooves?
Kinzie (Muffled): It's called "consistency".
Pierce: Hey, I'm not complaining about this costume.
Gat: Me neither.
VC: Hey... Where's Dex?
Everyone looks at each other. Then the Mechsuit lands in front of them again, but reskinned to look like a giant Ice Cream Mech.
Dex: How'd you like your defeat? Chocolate, or vanilla?
All: Here we go again.
Gameplay:
- Defeat Dex
Cutscene:
On the Beach in Saints Row, we pan across from left to right to see the main Saints relaxing on the sand, and at the very end is Dex, who is buried in the sand up to his neck.
Dex: Great, what humiliating thing will happen to me in the next update?
Gat: Shut up.
Gat then covers Dex's head with a bucket.
Rewards:
All Homie Skins
All Gang Customization
All Vehicles
All Cribs
Halloween DLC:
(It's like Saw & The Escape Room)
Simulations:
Haunted Saints Row
Homies & Skins:
Kinzie - Haunted Saints Row: Silent Librarian
Viola - Haunted Saints Row: The Mourningstar Ghost
Pierce - Haunted Saints Row: Hellhound
Asha - Haunted Saints Row: MI666 Demon
Shaundi - Haunted Saints Row: Puzzle Escapee (Saw reference)
Matt - Haunted Saints Row: Virtual Virus
CID - Haunted Saints Row: Eyeball
King - Haunted Saints Row: Zombie King
Keith - Haunted Saints Row: Julius Little
Gat - Haunted Saints Row: Gat Outta Hell
VC - Haunted Saints Row: Skeleton VC
Dex - Haunted Saints Row: Husk Dex
Donnie - Haunted Saints Row: Demonic Donnie
Lin - Haunted Saints Row: Zombie Lin
Price - Haunted Saints Row: Burning Alive
Sharp - Haunted Saints Row: Bullet Riddled
Vehicles:
Atlasbreaker Variants - Brotherhood, Ronin, Samedi
Gang Customization:
Zombie Brotherhood
Zombie Ronin
Zombie Sons Of Samedi
Cribs:
Playa's Apartment - Haunted Saints Row
3rd Street Church - Haunted Saints Row
Happy Holloween:
Phone Call:
Boss: What is it this time, Kinzie?
Kinzie: Well, Halloween's coming up, so I thought I'd update the simulations to match.
Boss: Ok, so... Guess I have to leave Steelport again?
Kinzie: Just until the update is installed.
Boss: On my way.
- Return to the Ship
Cutscene:
The Saints once again return to the Cargo Bay and get in their Pods, Dex included.
Kinzie (Evil): Pleasant dreams. (Evil laugh)
Viola (Sarcastic): Wow, super scary. I'm shaking in my boots.
Kinzie: Don't ruin this.
They all close their pods, then freeze in Stasis. Cut to Boss, Kinzie, Pierce, Shaundi, Gat, Viola, and VC in their Saints Row Holloween outfits, walking down the street past Freckle Bitch's. But instead of everything being covered in snow, it's dark foggy, with all the Saintsmas themed structures being replaced with Halloween themed structures.
Shaundi: Hey, finally... Back in my Celebrity outfit.
Shaundi then looks at her arms, to see that her hands have been chopped off and her wrists are wrapped in blood soaked bandages.
Shaundi: Are you kidding me? And the heels are missing from my boots?
VC: Hey... Consistency, remember?
Shaundi: I will strangle you.
VC: Oh yeah? How you gonna do that?
Shaundi: (Realisation) Fuck.
Gat: And... Right about now, Dex should drop in by surprise... Right?
They all stop and prepare for Dex to land in his Mech... But nothing happens.
Pierce: Uh... Kinzie, is Shaundi's outfit a reference to a certain puzzle based horror movie?
Kinzie nods.
Pierce: And I'm assuming this Simulation has been designed with that in mind... Right?
Dex's Voice: Congratulations... You just found your first clue... Find them all and complete the puzzles to escape the Simulation...
Boss: Oh fun... A puzzle solving game, and the smartest person in here is unable to talk.
Dex's Voice: And just remember, each puzzle will require a Homie to help you solve it so you can move on. Hope you don't sacrifice the wrong Homie too early. (Evil laugh).
Boss: Kinzie... What made you think this would be fun?
Viola: It's official, she's a sadist.
Gat: I think I'm gonna like this game.
Gameplay:
There are 6 Puzzles to solve, each one tailored to a specific Homie, but in a very obscure way to keep it from being too obvious to figure out which one.
Boss only needs to have 2 surviving Homies to beat Dex in the final Boss Fight, but the more Homies kept alive, the easier the Boss Fight will be.
If Boss only has 1 surviving Homie, they will not survive the Boss Fight and have to restart the Simulation from the first puzzle.
If Boss looses all their Homies, they will not reach the Boss Fight and will have to restart the Simulation from the first puzzle.
Choosing the correct Homie will let you pass the Puzzle without sacrificing a Homie.
Choosing the wrong Homie will let you pass the Puzzle, but will get that Homie killed during the Puzzle.
- Complete the 1st Puzzle
- Complete the 2nd Puzzle
- Complete the 3rd Puzzle
- Complete the 4th Puzzle
- Complete the 5th Puzzle
- Complete the 6th Puzzle
- Defeat Dex
Cutscene:
(Will vary, depending on how many Homies survived)
Boss shoots Dex's body several more times, then throws their gun at him.
Boss: Eh, still not satisfying enough.
Boss turns around to face the survivor(s).
Boss: Let's get out of here.
Boss and the other survivor(s) walk away. But the camera turns around and zooms in on Dex's face... Then his eyes open just before the screen cuts off.
Rewards:
All Homie Skins
All Gang Customization
All Vehicles
All Cribs
Valentines Day DLC:
Simulations:
Saints Bow
Homies & Skins:
Kinzie - Saints Bow: Leather & Lace
Viola - Saints Bow: Naughty
Pierce - Saints Bow: Valentines Bear
Asha - Saints Bow: Nice
Shaundi - Saints Bow: Shaundi Doll (Blow-Up Doll, reskinned to look like Shaundi)
Matt - Saints Bow: Nobody Loves Me
CID - Saints Bow: Love Heart
King - Saints Bow: Let's Pretend
Keith - Saints Bow: Planet Saints
Gat - Saints Bow: Gat Outta Heaven
VC - Saints Bow: Sons Of Love
Dex - Saints Bow: Divorced ex
Donnie - Saints Bow: Cute Cupid
Lin - Saints Bow: Fallen Angel
Price - Saints Bow: Sexy Cupid
Sharp - Saints Bow: Lawyer
Vehicles:
Crop-Duster Variants - Brotherhood, Ronin, Samedi
Gang Customization:
Valentines Brotherhood
Valentines Ronin
Valentines Sons Of Samedi
Cribs:
Motel Room - Saints Bow
Wedding Chapel - Saints Bow
Dating Simulator:
Phone Call:
Boss: Hey Kinzie, I was thinking...
Kinzie: About what?
Boss: It's Valentines Day, and I don't have a valentine.
Kinzie: Oh... Right...
Boss: So... I was wondering... Ya know... If you were free...?
Kinzie: I should stop you right there, before this gets any more awkward... CID's my valentine.
Boss: What? CID? Really?
Kinzie: Well, let's just say, his shell does have some "features" that convinced me to give him a chance...
Boss: I don't need to hear the rest.
Kinzie: I could ask Shaundi if she's free?
Boss: Nah, she's been chasing Keith since we met him.
Kinzie: King?
Boss: All he wants to talk about is his book.
Kinzie: Matt?
Boss: He's a sweet kid, but we are two completely different generations.
Kinzie: Hmm... I've got an idea. Leave Steelport for now, I'll install a new update.
Boss: Ok.
- Return to the Ship
Cutscene:
The Saints once again return to the Cargo Bay and get in their Pods, Dex included.
Dex: Hey, I bet you end up with Johnny anyway... We all know there's something there.
Boss: Well you may as well just not enter the Simulation, cos I'd rather kill you than date you.
Gat: Oh yeah? The only reason he's still alive is cos you won't let me kill him. I bet you fuck Dex before he even takes you to Freckle Bitch's.
Boss: Oh yeah, I bet you fuck him before you get out the car.
Shaundi looks at Keith and Asha.
Shaundi: Do we even need to be here?
Asha: I doubt it. They'll probably end up having a three-way by the end of the night anyway.
Keith: You can bet on that.
They all close their pods, then freeze in Stasis. Cut to Boss, Kinzie, Pierce, Shaundi, Gat, and VC in their Saints Row Valentines outfits, walking down the street past Freckle Bitch's. But instead of everything being covered in snow, it's bright and warm, with all the Saintsmas themed structures being replaced with Valentines themed structures.
Pierce: Hey, who want's a "bear hug"?
VC: I'll pass.
Gat: Hey, I didn't think I could pull off this look, but... Not bad.
Shaundi: And once again, I'm the butt of the joke... F*** me.
Boss: Oh come on, you disabled swearing?
Kinzie (Muffled): This is a time for peace and love, not war and hate.
They all stop and notice Dex stood in front of them.
Dex: Until the Ex shows up to ruin the fun.
Gameplay:
All Homies are available to pick as a date, except VC who acts as the Satus Quo's Chauffeur throughout the date.
- Choose a Homie to go on a date with
- Go on a date at one of Saints Row's many attractions
- Get back in the Status Quo
VC: Last stop, Steelport, Saints HQ.
Cutscene:
Now in their Steelport outfits, Boss and "Homie" exit the elevator into Saints HQ penthouse, then passionately make their way into Boss's bedroom.
Rewards:
All Homie Skins
All Gang Customization
All Vehicles
All Cribs
Precious Memories DLC:
Simulations:
Ultor Funded Saints Row
Homies & Skins:
Kinzie - Ultor Funded Saints Row: Ultor Prisoner
Viola - Ultor Funded Saints Row: Morningstar Leader
Pierce - Ultor Funded Saints Row: Stilwater Saints
Asha - Ultor Funded Saints Row: MI6 Jumpsuit
Shaundi - Ultor Funded Saints Row: Stilwater Saints
Matt - Ultor Funded Saints Row: Deckers Leader
CID - Ultor Funded Saints Row: C.I.D.
King - Ultor Funded Saints Row: Vice Kings King
Keith - Ultor Funded Saints Row: Vice President
Gat - Ultor Funded Saints Row: Stilwater Saints
VC - Ultor Funded Saints Row: Sons Of Samedi Lieutenant
Dex - Ultor Funded Saints Row: Ultor Casual
Donnie - Ultor Funded Saints Row: Westside Rollerz Mechanic
Lin - Ultor Funded Saints Row: Westside Rollerz Undercover
Price - Ultor Funded Saints Row: Westside Rollerz Leader
Sharp - Ultor Funded Saints Row: Westside Rollerz Leader
Carlos - Saintsmas SR: Sainta Hat - Summer SR: Brotherhood Shorts - Haunted SR: Zombie Carlos - Saints Bow: Fallen Saint - Ultor Funded Saints Row/Steelport/Misty Lane: Stilwater Saints
Maero - Saintsmas SR: Sainta Hat - Summer SR: Brotherhood Shorts - Haunted SR: Burned Tattoo - Saints Bow: Brotherhood Angel - Ultor Funded Saints Row/Steelport/Misty Lane: Brotherhood Leader
Jyunichi - Saintsmas SR: Sainta Hat - Summer SR: Ronin Shorts - Haunted SR: Cesar Salad - Saints Bow: Ronin Angel - Ultor Funded Saints Row/Steelport/Misty Lane: Ronin Lieutenant
Mr. Sunshine - Saintsmas SR: Sainta Hat - Summer SR: Sons Of Samedi Shorts - Haunted SR: Headless - Saints Bow: Sons Of Samedi Angel - Ultor Funded Saints Row/Steelport/Misty Lane: Sons Of Samedi Lieutenant
Dane Vogel - Saintsmas SR: Sainta Hat - Summer SR: Ultor Shorts - Haunted SR: Hell's Incarnation - Saints Bow: Ultor Angel - Ultor Funded Saints Row/Steelport/Misty Lane: Ultor Leader
Vehicles:
Maero's Atlasbreaker
Shogo's Kaneda
The General's Hounfor
Vogel's The Job
Gang Customization:
Brotherhood
Ronin
Sons Of Samedi
Masako
Cribs:
Mega Condo - Ultor Funded Saints Row
Stilwater Memorial Church - Ultor Funded Saints Row
The Good (Not So) Old Days:
Phone Call:
Kinzie: Hi Boss. What's on your mind?
Boss: Dane Vogel may have been an asshole, but he sure made Saints Row look a lot better than it used to.
Kinzie: I could update Virtual Saints Row to look more like it did under Ultor's control?
Boss: Yeah, and do you think you could bring back the Brotherhood, Ronin, and Samedi too?
Kinzie: Why? You can fight them in Virtual Steelport.
Boss: Yeah, but it's more fun fighting them on their home turf.
Kinzie: Ok, I'll see if I can recreate some events from your past so you can relive them while you're taking a trip down memory lane.
Boss: Thanks.
Kinzie: They may not be exactly as you remember, because they'll all have to take place in the Saints Row District, but I'll do my best to make it feel as close as possible.
Boss: That'll work.
- Return to Virtual Steelport
Cutscene:
Gameplay:
Cutscene:
Rewards:
Homie - Donnie
Homie - Zombie WR
She Lives:
Phone Call:
- Go to The Broken Shillelagh
Gameplay:
Cutscene:
Gameplay:
Rewards:
All Homie Skins
All Gang Customization
All Vehicles
All Cribs
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