Saints Lieutenants Rap Battles

I created these a few years ago, and have only just remembered about them on my old phone. I thought they were good back then... But I'm unsure now... What do you think?

Lin vs Shaundi:
Round 1:
Lin:
Well, where to start with this smoked up hippie?
She's probably so damn high, that she can't even hit me.
I've seen a lot of dealers in Stilwater alone.
So when you're finished scorin' off 'em could you pick up the phone?

I got kidnapped by a smart rich guy.
Where as your kidnapper was probably high.
I know all my lines are based off one act.
But you're a one-trick-pony... And that's a fact.

So get a new hobbie coz this bit's gettin' old.
I could diss your style, but from me... That'd be bold.
Let's get this over 'fore your burger gets cold.
'course if you're not ready for this, you could always just fold.

Shaundi:
So am I supposed to cry from that rant of jealousy?
Coz I can sense it a mile away... Honestly.
What did you think you could gain from this?
While you're all pissed, I live in bliss.

So don't try to diss, coz I never miss.
Now I think I'll just go and give Donnie a kiss.
Ooh I'm sorry, did that one hurt?
In case you didn't know, I'm a professional flirt.

That's right, I'm not just a one-trick-pony.
I guess your intel was a load of baloney.
Here's a spoiler from your future that you may wanna save.
After this battle, you'll return to your watery grave.

Round 2:
Lin:
Ha, real funny makin' fun of the dead.
But my zombified corpse can still rip off your head!
So I don't expect you to comprehend.
Just what awaits you around the bend.

It's not a warning or even a sign.
That I've won this battle before the last line.
I would diss your looks and character design.
But we all know they're loosely based on mine!

So go back to Stilwater University.
And just work on getting a single degree.
Then maybe you'll be ready to come back and fight me.
Now I'll give you some time to recover... From this fatality!

Shaundi:
Geez, when was the last time you got laid?
And no, I don't count it if you got paid.
I didn't know that the Rollerz pimped h0s.
Stop showin' off your t*ts... If that's what you call those.

Don't look now, but Sharp's right behind you!
Is he gonna kill you, or just bind you?
You could be is playgirl... Or his hood ornament.
Or he could drop you in a lake with shoes made of cement.

As you can see, I'm clearly superior.
So just let Sharp "unwrap" you, and expose your interior.
It'll just further prove that you're vastly inferior.
And unlike you, my motives aren't ulterior.

Bonus Round:
Kinzie:
I hate to interrupt this whirlwind of activity.
But I thought by now you'd both have the same epiphany.
You're both outdated sl*tty Stilwater girls.
I'm a kinky librarian, just give my "teacups" a whirl.

I'll hack into your intel and feed you false data.
I'll be upgrading to next gen, while I revert you to beta.
I can track your every move from my inner sanctum.
I made a list of your skills, sorted and ranked 'em.

It didn't take long, as you're both pretty easy.
Oh great, now my rhymes are startin' to get cheesy.
For my final line, I think I'll turn up the heat.
Coz I've won this battle and left your asses beat.

Who won?

Next up is Troy vs Carlos... But first I need sleep, it's 3 in the morning.
 
Troy vs Carlos:
Round 1:
Troy:
I don't know how to do this, since you're just a recruit.
I'm the right-hand-man, so you can kiss my boots.
If the Saints need help, they come to me.
What skills do you have> none it would seem.

I can hotwire trucks and evade the cops.
You got tied to a truck and dragged around the docks.
I can even rap to a certain extent.
And my intel covers almost any event.

What's the matter? Can you not replay?
Oh that's right, you got shot in the eye.
By your own Boss as a mercy kill.
And that's why I am the king of this hill.

Carlos:
Congrats, you used up all your A material.
When the Boss kills you too, I'll be laughing, at your funeral.
Yeah, that's right. I know you're a cop.
And when the Boss finds out, they'll make your body drop.

So take your shitty haircut and give it a trim.
Then maybe your defeat will be slightly less grim.
I don't think you know just how screwed you are.
You can try to run, but you won't get very far.

So let's end this now before I feel the need.
To expose the truth, and spill all your beans.
I'll give you one chance to surrender without being too mean.
But if you come at me again, I'll finish the deed.

Round 2:
Troy:
"All my A material"? I don't think so.
You had no intel, so the Boss went solo.
And that's when the Brotherhood took their chance.
To ruin a perfectly happy bro-mance.

So listen to me carefully, coz I'm not repeatin'.
Your threats don't scare me, I'll just give you a beatin'.
You can call "police brutality" all you want.
But I'm the new chief in town, and you're just a runt.

Carlos:
At least I'm the one who stayed loyal 'til the end.
But I guess back then, betrayal was the trend.
Let's take a look at where you are now...
Back in the Saints pocket, coz they run this town.

So you didn't go far from your roots, I suppose.
And I bet your office is packed full of h0s.
But what are you wearin' man? Just look at those clothes.
Now put yourself in jail, as I bring this to a close.

Bonus Round:
Troy:
Wait, hold up. I'm not through with you yet.

Carlos:
Just face it man, you lost the bet.
Now run back to your h0s, and tell them how you lost.

Troy:
Right, you asked for it. I'm calling the Boss.

Angel:
You guys are pathetic, fighting over who's best.
When we all know it's the man with the iron chest.
Just take a look at these solid abs.
You can't get these from an Ultor lab.

So step in the riing and prepare to die.
Coz it's a one-sided fight, and that's no lie.
I'd say you're both even in skill and brains.
But when I'm through with you, there will be no remains.

Who won this one?

Next up is Dex vs Pierce.
 
Dex vs Pierce:
Round 1:
Dex:
We both knew it was comin', so let's get it done.
The two baddest strategists, but I've already won.
Coz I'm the original planner, and clearly the best.

Pierce:
But there's one important issue that needs to be addressed.
You sold out the Saints, then joined Ultor.
So now I'm just rappin' 'gainst a corporate wh*re.
My plans will thrash you in any situation.
Coz I'm the king of the plot...

Dex:
Without a reservation?
Speaking of strategy, I own soldiers.

Pierce:
Yeah, they' the worst, they couldn't even guard a few folders.
Face it Dex, you're runnin' outta luck.

Dex:
We'll see about that, you arrogant fu...

Round 2:
Pierce:
Woah! Watch your language, we tryin' to keep this clean.

Dex:
Unlike all your casino heists and money makin' schemes?
Let's face it, your plans will never pull through.
They belong up your ass...

Pierce: Wait, what?

Dex:
So you can sh*t 'em out, and flush 'em down the loo.
Rappin' 'gainst me was your worst idea yet.
Coz I'm the real king...

Pierce:
You wanna bet?
My plans are solid, 'til Gat enters the room.

Dex:
Oh, don't get me started on that spiky-haired goon.
He's nothin' but a gun-totin' psychopath.

Pierce:
And he rarely ever cares about doin' the math.

Dex:
You know what, together we could run this town.

Pierce:
Yeah forget this, let's make 'em all bow down.

Bonus Round:
Zimos:
Ooooohhhhh!
I'm glad you're both quitin', that's more room for me.
My plans are the best, just wait and see.
Lucky for me, Gat's gettin' abducted.
So my plans can go on, uninterrupted.

It's a shame you both suck, coz I'd join your crew.
But the Saints made an offer that I can't refuse.
So just pack up your things and get outta town.
Coz there's only one king who can wear this crown.

Who won this one?

Last in the list... Gat vs Asha.
 
Gat vs Asha:
Round 1:
Gat:
Ha, yeah right. You're no competition.
I'm the best there ever was, and I complete my mission.
You're in MI6? I guess that's impressive.
But my rap sheet has the whole world obsessive.

Just take a look at the skills we both share.
I can use mine, anytime, anywhere.
You can't shoot, 'til your boss gives the command.
Which is a rule that I'll never quite understand.

I can see that I'm starting to get you flustered.
And what's with that jumpsuit? You look like a ghostbuster.
Looks like I'm your new king, but I don't need to be hailed.
So call up your boss, and tell them "mission failed".

Asha:
Oh what fun, I'm up against a psychopath.
After being trapped in that pod, you really need to take a bath.
I think I'll begin with the death of your girlfriend.
That's one mission that didn't have a happy end.

Take a look in the mirror Johnny.
You're an old has-been, and you're not so funny.
You can just quit now and I'll spare your life.
Or I can kill you now, so you can join your dead wife.

You really think you can win every fight?
I may be an agent, but I can still scratch and bite.
Now run on home to the city of Stilwater.
Coz my next target is you, by my own order.

Round 2:
Gat:
Oh this cat's got claws, but they'll snap like a twig.
If you disobey orders, they'll throw you in the brig.
You can't defeat me, I'm just too awesome.
When I enter the strip clubs, they offer me foursomes.

Oleg:
Oh, the vulgarity. I can't listen to this.
I'll knock you both out, with only one fist.
If you mention your sex life again, I'll kill you.

Asha:
Oh why don't you return to to Team Fortress 2.

Now back onto Gat, with his inflated ego.
I wonder just how big that head of his will grow?
It's time to take a show, to wash off that failure.
You'll never be my king, and nobody will hail ya.

Donnie:
Oh my god, you're both way off.

Gat:
Hey, this is between me and Lara Croft.

Asha:
Oh, go to hell, you might find it fun.

Gat:
(Cocky) Ha ha ha, already done.

Bonus Round:
Donnie:
You are both overrated, self-righteous killers.
So I'm here to tell you now, who the king of this hill is.
I'm the one who saved the Boss, with my powerful tricks.

Asha:
But your main enemy was just a leather-clad dominatrix.

Donnie:
Ha, you clearly missed the rehearsal.
That scene was just part of my planned reversal.

Gat:
Donnie, did you even read the final script?

Donnie:
Yeah, I know that certain parts got skipped.
But I was the star of Saints Row 4, the whole world knows my name!

Asha:
Kid I hate to bring you down, but you were cut from the game.

Donnie:
Wait... What?

Gat:
That sucks man.

Donnie:
Thanks man.

Gat:
I guess they thought you were too lame.

Who won that one then?
 
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